tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11655618688988351862024-03-05T18:29:46.421-05:00Zipperhead ManiaJessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-53234513921727731232008-06-10T00:25:00.002-04:002008-06-10T00:39:59.651-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;">You have to love it when something that should be SO common sense finally hits you in the face. It should be an obvious idea that our own personal walk with the Lord can and most definitely will affect other people. It determines how we deal with things and the decisions we make. However obvious that should be, it hit me in an altogether new light this past week. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">When we don't set aside the time to spend in the Word and in prayer really seeking and learning about Christ, not only do we falter, but others around us can as well. By the way we act, the things we say or don't say, the decisions we make, and the list goes on. I have found when my consistency is not there, I will hurt myself and possibly others, and that scares me. That I could put aside the most important thing and cause someone else to be hurt in the process. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">I know that when I push aside my time with the Lord, it affects my attitude. My attitude can be awful, my patience is non-existent (although I never have it in spades haha), and my decision making is not near its peak. It truly affects my entire day...And yet I still at times allow myself to get caught up in other things. How dense we are as humans...to know exactly what needs to be done for growth and yet at times refuse to do it. I am thankful God has hit me upside the head the last few days over this, and really convicted me of it. Oh, the stupid things we do far too often. Thank goodness our God is one of mercy and grace...and so importantly one of patience.</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-27854601984966292562008-06-04T10:03:00.002-04:002008-06-04T10:34:22.966-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;">I am appalled. Our sin nature disgusts me. Yes, we have been set free from it through Jesus Christ, but it is still so easy to succumb to it. Even the best intentions still fail, and fail miserably. Whether its a sin of the heart, or physical, or against someone else, why does it have to come so easy? In my heart and mind I can purpose to not do something, and be convinced that it has been dealt with etc., and before I know it I am right back in that same place. Why is it, that some things continually kick me and I feel like I will NEVER overcome it.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Paul talks all about his same feelings in Romans 7. "I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sin nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway." In some ways, it gives me some measure of peace to know I am not the only one struggling this way. But on the other hand it frustrates me even more. Why does something I want so badly to beat, evade me?</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Am I going about it in the wrong way? Have I really not surrendered it? Is there some other solution? Oh, its driving me crazy. Part of me says it'd be easier to give up and not care. But I know that is the worst attitude, and the one Satan wants me to take. Why do some things seem to be such a struggle? Perhaps I should just lock myself in my apartment and never come out, ha. It seems that would be a good solution for me. I am so tired of this, and yet I know I bring it upon myself. Its too easy to find ways to do exactly what I don't want to. Oh what a sweet, sweet day it will be to stand face to face with our Lord and no longer have to battle our sin nature. </span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-60105119481918684072008-05-29T21:22:00.003-04:002008-05-29T21:51:32.178-04:00Dropped Passes<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO2XenFGy0C2t6fXNfz7gSuL4xUa7bZdffiLyalNxnyVVhi0i0YbRz2_yAkdDe9iQCG36duomBQ9bROL0H2LI-LmZxeobU_uvMkF8_nVpNtL1kOVJOEwfvJZBne1GpMCXpnXrPeacs3JXt/s1600-h/javon.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5205981142544234082" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO2XenFGy0C2t6fXNfz7gSuL4xUa7bZdffiLyalNxnyVVhi0i0YbRz2_yAkdDe9iQCG36duomBQ9bROL0H2LI-LmZxeobU_uvMkF8_nVpNtL1kOVJOEwfvJZBne1GpMCXpnXrPeacs3JXt/s200/javon.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:85%;">I must admit, sports analogies get to me the quickest. Those are the ones that make sense in my mind. I was talking to a good friend of mine yesterday. We were talking about making mistakes and how other people dealing with situations can be disappointing. You can put yourself on whatever side of the analogy you see fit. You have one person we will use as the "ball". This person could have been part of the issue but not as big a factor, but basically the one with somewhat less responsibility. The other person we are going to use as the "wide receiver". This is who the play was geared around, it was his responsibility to see it executed as it should have been. Then we have the "Coach", who is none other than our Lord.</span></div><div><span style="font-size:85%;"></span> </div><div><span style="font-size:85%;"> So its a big game, your team is on offense and the QB steps back and lets the ball go. That WR wants to make the catch, but instead of doing it exactly how he was supposed to, he makes a few changes that he thinks works better and he ends up dropping the ball. </span><span style="font-size:85%;">Now the Coach can do two things. One, bench the player since he made a mistake. Or two, put him right back in the game, because the Coach knows he has it in him. That WR can make those plays and protect and guard that ball like he is supposed to. He has a lot of talent and the Coach doesn't want to waste that. So what about that ball? Well, unfortunately, the ball doesn't have a lot of say at this point. Whether it was totally unfair to the ball, or maybe it was a bit slippery...at this point the decision of the next play rests in the hands of that WR. No matter how much time and practice was between that ball and WR, the ball has to sit on that field and see what the next play will be. That WR has a decision to make. Either he can allow his mistake to stop him from playing that game and wallow in his failure, thinking that running away from it will fix everything in the end, or he can realize he screwed up. He didn't follow the play exactly and cost a pretty important down, but get right back on the field and realize he can take ownership of that ball and that game.</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:85%;">I figure we can all put ourselves on both side of this analogy. If you're on the side of the WR by letting someone down, or making a big mistake...don't make a bigger mistake by how you respond to your failure. Don't let it get to you so badly that you step away from the game...our Coach knows we can succeed if we go by His game plan. And the ball...well, if ya got dropped haha, whether by your assistance or not, you have to learn to trust the Coach to work it out. I haven't ever seen a ball be able to control a WR in a game, and it won't happen in life either. Maybe you have to suffer through a "time-out" that has to get called for either that WR to shake himself and get with it, or for his replacement to get sent in.</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:85%;">:) Now mind you, we were cracking ourselves up with our analogies, and I have to give my buddy who is a football coach credit for this one...But when I paused to really think about it, the dumb little analogy seems to make a good bit of sense.</span></div>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-43208467523612215862008-05-27T10:52:00.002-04:002008-05-27T10:56:05.937-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;">This morning I was reading a devotional from Joni Eareckson Tada. The scripture she gave was, "From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." -Ephesians 4:16 But her main point was more about how we handle what comes at us. One of the best things we can do for our brothers and sisters in Christ is to gain victory in our trials. We affect one another spiritually by what we are and do individually. And because there is an intimate link between us as believers, your failures affect others, while your victories inspire and encourage them. It was a needed reminder for me today. Not that we are going to be overly bubbly when we are going through hard times, but that underlying acceptance and faith is so very important for those on the outside looking in. </span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-54663416136097988272008-05-26T16:13:00.002-04:002008-05-26T16:25:57.415-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;">Do people's comments ever get to you, like really bother you, even when you know they shouldn't? You realize if they didn't say it when they did, you probably wouldn't normally care? Its the fact that it was just at the point that when everything was weighing on you... You know they didn't mean it in a flippant way, yet that was how you took it? I seem to be catching myself of that lately. So I've had 2 brain surgeries, about to have at least one more...You'd think I'd be used to everything. And in some ways I am. Perhaps its the fact of what all can go wrong with this next surgery, and I am actually very aware of what that could mean for me. Maybe its the fact I am just so dang tired of dealing with all of this...that I am having more down and weak moments. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">So that when I hear comments such as "its all going to work out," "you'll be ok," "stay strong," etc. I want to scream. No they aren't trying to upset me, they are trying to be nice, but they sometimes don't get it. They don't understand what the last year of my life has looked like, and more importantly felt like. They don't know what its like to have disappointment one after another because of my stupid brain. They are fine because they can check in and say some one liner encouragment phrase and then check right back out before ever having to listen to what I really feel about any of it. They assume another friend will be there for me, so they don't need to be. Its because of this stuff I have just been ignoring my calls and not dealing with it. My sarcasm is at an all time high, and sometimes I don't catch myself before saying something that comes out too harsh. I am so fed up with it all, tired of dealing with hurting all the time, and my mind is so incredibly restless. I am just ready for something to make sense, because right now not too much does. </span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-63024557161514554872008-05-25T13:03:00.002-04:002008-05-25T13:17:26.108-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;">I don't think that either myself, nor my heart know what to do these days. Over the last several months I have had bad days here and there. Who hasn't? But this is so much deeper and darker than that. I find myself preferring to be by myself (I have always liked my space, but this is different) than being with friends or going out anywhere. My friends in Columbia that I feel I could talk to, mostly aren't here this summer, or one is too busy with an internship and their own life to be bothered with this. And that's ok, I don't want to burden anyone with this, which is why I write...</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">My heart is so heavy these days. I feel as if I would rather just curl up and cry than anything else, and that is so completely opposite of who I am. I know a lot has gone on the last six months, but I wonder why is it all hitting me right now. 2 brain surgeries, friends miscarrying, moving back to SC, leaving really precious friends in TN, frustrations with school, distance from a friend, and now looking towards yet another surgery if not more. I just don't care about much right now, and I hate myself for feeling like that. I feel like all of this is just eating at me and I don't know what to do. I know God is there and He created us with emotions, but I don't feel Him close right now.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">A couple guys are on their way up from GA to hang out for the day, and yes, its awesome they are coming to see me, but I just don't feel the excitement I normally do about them, or anyone. I still have been ignoring calls and this just isn't me. I don't know if its the physical pain I am just tired of, the combination of meds I am on, or just everything finally truly getting to me from the last 6 months. I don't know. All I do know is that I am hurting right now, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I hate this and am at a loss as to what I am supposed to do with it...</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-16836839790784886932008-05-24T16:46:00.002-04:002008-05-24T16:53:51.007-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;">I have been ignoring phone calls since yesterday. I don't feel like talking to much of anyone. I am sure people are just calling to check on me, but I don't care. I simply silence the ring. A friend called yesterday morning with news that sent me right back to the beginning of February and all of my emotions then. My heart feels like it is right back there, and has broken all over again. I can't handle this right now. It served as another reminder, and with everything else right now, I'm at the end of my rope. I've been by myself the last few days which I have been fine with, but maybe hasn't been the best idea for me. I don't know what to do anymore...and I realize there is only one that can help.</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-58954165787837989882008-05-23T14:02:00.002-04:002008-05-23T14:06:16.463-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;">I will be making the next surgery decision next week...</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">1) I go to Pittsburgh to have my vertebral artery moved away from the brainstem and hope he doesn't cause a bleed into my brain...</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">2)I go back to NC and have another brainstem decompression surgery...with him removing more of the bone this time</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Tired of all of this, and would just like to feel like myself again. Not to mention the medical bills...My head is already worth over 200K haha. Oh, what will next week bring?</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-58309465611171746772008-05-22T21:44:00.003-04:002008-05-22T22:07:52.230-04:00Please...I would LOVE more input. HA!<strong><span style="font-size:85%;color:#3333ff;">So, everyone tends to think they have the answers for me. And when it comes to relationships, they seem to "know all." HA! Except, they forget to ask me what I want. They feel it is far past time for me to at least give someone a shot. I got a phone call the other night from one of the fam frustrated at me that I said "no" once again to another guy that had asked me out. :) It kills them that I have no interest in even the ones that are sweet, attractive, and do well for themselves. I could care less what they do, I meet plenty of well to do guys and it makes no difference to me. The latest one they want to kill me for, is the beautiful nuclear engineer. haha They want me to "go out", "have fun", "live a little", "give him a chance." No thank you. I have enough friends I can have fun with.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:85%;color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:85%;color:#3333ff;">They just love to laugh as they think about who I actually will bring home. They say either he will be a doormat and allow me to do whatever I want, or he will realize I can be a handful and will step up to the challenge. Lets be honest, I won't settle for the first one :). They try and warn "potentials" not to act too interested at the beginning with me or try and call/take up too much of my time. I pretty much bolt with those...Don't smother me or you don't have a chance. I want someone who is just as driven as I am. Yes, it will happen someday(I do want a family and have no objections as to how soon) and I do want to be with a good guy that actually gets to my heart...But believe me, its just SO much fun listening to everyone give me a hard time either over the fact I am not dating right now, or the ones I say "no" to. Oh well, its not them or their life. Its me. I think Scott knows it best when he told me its not the other guys or problems with them...Its the fact my heart has already made up its mind.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:85%;color:#3333ff;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:85%;color:#3333ff;">Perhaps he knows what he is talking about, and perhaps one of these days I will get around to really dealing with that. </span></strong>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-6601815015072865822008-05-17T22:47:00.007-04:002008-05-17T23:15:42.227-04:00I would like to play some "Grit Ball"<span style="color:#009900;"><strong><span style="font-size:85%;">God is faithful to give us what we need, exactly when we need it. A friend came over earlier, and it was good to catch up (while getting some sun :P). Girl talk is always needed, and just being able to be honest with each other with about where we are with some things right now. And then tonight, I was supposed to go meet some people out, but my fever ended up coming back (its been up and down lately w/the cold sweats so its pretty miserable haha). So I opted out and decided to watch movies instead. I started with "The Royal Tennenbaums" and then decided I needed some Madea in my life tonight to finish it out. (Tyler Perry's movies and plays if you don't know. I chose the play "Madea's Class Reunion." It gave me the laugh I needed tonight, but as he always does, he provides with an underlying theme in a comical way. This one has a lot with forgiveness... And even if Madea takes it a little to an extreme to make it funny, its all so true. You have to let the past go before you can move on and really allow something good to come from a bad situation or decision...</span> <span style="font-size:85%;">Holding on to something only hurts you, the other person probably doesn't even care that you were hurt...So don't think staying upset helps anything, especially you. Here's a little clip...(You need to rent some if you haven't before.)</span><br /></strong></span><br /><span style="color:#009900;"><strong><span style="font-size:85%;">Madea-"Theres one little test most people fail-forgiveness. Its deep. You have to forgive people yourmom, dad et. Not for them, but for you. Youre walking around holding on to all that stuff and theyre sleepin at night. </span><span style="font-size:85%;">You cant fly with a whole bunch of stuff holding ya down."</span></strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#009900;"><strong>Stephanie-"I understand the forgiveness thing, but I dont have to forget do I?"</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#009900;"><strong>Madea- "Hell no! You gotta remember, you aint go through all that for nothing. You remember so that you dont let it happen again. And another thing, don't let some guy think you're weak-Oh please don't hurt me. If he does, you beat the hell out of him. All you gotta do is have to lose your mind one time...You gotta go so crazy that it scare you."</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#009900;"><strong></strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#009900;"><strong>Hahaha if you haven't seen it, this may not make the most sense...But I LOVE it!!!</strong></span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-1690454836013697862008-05-17T16:21:00.002-04:002008-05-17T16:30:17.790-04:00Can you please pinch me?<strong><span style="font-size:85%;color:#993399;">I bottle up my emotions...I always have. It takes a lot to get me angry, but at times I do get mad, and believe me you will know when I am. But if something frustrates or scares me, or more so hurts me, typically I am going to keep it to myself and not let you know; especially just how badly it does. I think today it has really hit me just how much I have been keeping on the inside. For a little over a month now. And stupid me I don't cry and haven't really given myself a release from it, so its just kept building up. So I think someone needs to hit or pinch me hard enough to make me cry...How soon can you get here...?</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:85%;color:#993399;">:)</span></strong>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-12389475493740947322008-05-17T11:08:00.003-04:002008-05-17T11:15:05.863-04:00Living with a boy...?<span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;">So...two people have been up this weekend and staying at the apartment. The guy ended up using my bathroom. I am happy to share necessary things with someone...But when I kept going in there with the toilet seat up made me think. I would have to carefully consider "his" (prospective husband) training... Not to mention, my two pet peeves in the house already are my bathroom and having clean sheets on my bed. I don't know why those two bother me so much, but they do so I clean them all the time. Therefore, my conclusion after this weekend has been; if the guy can't put the toilet seat down either he will learn BEFORE we get married, or its just not going to work out.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#000099;">:)</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-43900539937447471672008-05-17T10:34:00.002-04:002008-05-17T10:54:12.073-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;color:#6600cc;">Bad decisions. Seems to be the theme the last several months...but this is not one I made; actually the last few have not been made by me, but by guys. How does it work out men always get put in the positions that give them the power to make important decisions?! I mean I understand God gave them the leadership role, but I don't like that right now... Unfortunately, when your heart somewhere along the way gets lost in something, you lose the power to control it. All of sudden you have handed it over, along with being able to protect it from hurt. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#6600cc;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#6600cc;">Yesterday, I found my dean had made a stupid decision. A very insensitive decision. I have technically graduated. All of my grades are in, and I have maintained my 4.0 the entire time while in the PTA program. However, because of this last surgery, I have 10 makeup days in a clinical rotation. I am at the point in this rotation that I can't/won't fail. All I want is my transcript so that I can take the National Board Exam and begin working full-time. I don't mind finishing the days, but if I don't have my transcript next week, the school will have to hold it until the middle of August. That pushes me back until September to start working as a licensed PTA. He doesn't seem to care. The other faculty members all okayed it, but no, he has to ignore what I want and feel is the best for me, and veto it. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#6600cc;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#6600cc;">Are guys really this stupid?! There is no point for him making this decision... I have never asked to be shown special treatment because of the two brain surgeries. I have made up everything that I missed, and I did it well. My classmates were amazing and helped me study and catch up. He doesn't seem to remember all of that.He can't complain about my GPA, or anything else...and yet, he still makes this decision. Sometimes I wonder if these stupid decisions that get made really are "in my best interest" (as I am told more than once) or if its just easier for him. Sometimes COMPROMISE is necessary...I don't think guys are good at that ha. You don't always have to go to one extreme when making a decision...</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#6600cc;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;color:#6600cc;">AH!?! Oh well, here is another decision that gets made me for me, and I just have to accept it. HoLy SmOkEs...I don't like, nor am I any good at, accepting things like this... I feel like my heart has had to deal with enough the last few months and been on a rollercoaster of emotions already...I really didn't need this to add to it. Not to mention what news I will get from the two doctors next Tuesday...Guess this is where an extra dose of faith comes in that God can take a man's bad decision and work it out. :)</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-49730812144691903352008-05-15T23:19:00.002-04:002008-05-15T23:40:12.637-04:00Serenade<span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>So sweet the hour, so calm the time, </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>I feel it more than half a crime, </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>When Nature sleeps and stars are mute, </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>To mar the silence ev'n with lute. </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>At rest on ocean's brilliant dyes </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>An image of Elysium lies: </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>Seven Pleiades entranced in Heaven, </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>Form in the deep another seven: </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>Endymion nodding from above </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>Sees in the sea a second love. </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>Within the valleys dim and brown, </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>And on the spectral mountain's crown, </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>The wearied light is dying down, </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong> And earth, and stars, and sea, and sky </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong> Are redolent of sleep, as I </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>Am redolent of thee and thine </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong> Enthralling love, my Adeline. </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong> But list, O list,- so soft and low</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong> Thy lover's voice tonight shall flow, </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong> That, scarce awake, thy soul shall deem </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong> My words the music of a dream. </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>Thus, while no single sound too rude </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong> Upon thy slumber shall intrude, </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>Our thoughts, our souls- O God above! </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong> In every deed shall mingle, love.</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>"Serenade" Edgar Allen Poe</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:78%;color:#3366ff;"><strong>(He's been one of my favorites since I was little...is that twisted? Perhaps...I love it!)</strong></span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-46052669995885593082008-05-15T23:10:00.002-04:002008-05-15T23:13:56.389-04:00Capable of duplicity.<span style="font-size:85%;">I am a very trusting person. I don't doubt what people say to me, especially people I care about. Tonight...well, I am wondering if perhaps I should. Can someone really come up with a convincing story about their motives and convince me its right and the best, even when that is the furthest thing from the truth? I am hoping not, and don't like thinking like that at all. But tonight, those thoughts are haunting me (the pain meds probably don't help :P). Can someone really be that hurtful and insensitive? Perhaps, oh but I don't want that to be true...I suppose only time will tell...But this is not a fun place to be in.</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-57324595861045868572008-05-14T23:36:00.002-04:002008-05-14T23:57:19.567-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;">Tonight, my thoughts are flowing. Perhaps because of poem(I have been reading a lot of the classics tonight haha), a truck, a commercial, a baby, who knows...But my mind is restless and wants an outlet. So I write...its what has always made me feel better. When something has gotten to my heart, whether recent or past, I have to get it out somehow...I can't just walk away from it and hope time fixes everything. So pages and pages of my thoughts and feelings come out. And no, I can't share it all on here-perhaps someday. And its hard when you can't even share it with someone you may want to...but its difficult to do if they aren't here(and the whole its midnight thing) :)</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">So...I guess I am left with only my thoughts and my dreams again tonight...</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-24796879298986665902008-05-14T22:48:00.003-04:002008-05-14T23:23:50.066-04:00Patience is passion tamed.-Lyman Abbott<span style="font-size:85%;">"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves." Rainer Maria Rilke</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Sometimes I think that which we want the most, at some point we are asked to wait for it. When something affects your heart, it has the power to hurt you and drive you crazy. I don't like it when things get to that point. I lose my control over it then. I like keeping control of things; my plans, my emotions, my independence, etc. Now if the struggle is within yourself, well you can deal with it how you choose, if someone(s) else is part of it that is where it can get tricky.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">I am a pretty proactive person. If I make a goal or know what I want, I will work hard to get it. You can't control other people though. So when I have to wait on someone else for a school, medical, or personal related issue, I feel like I am not doing anything when I should be. But sometimes, you do have to wait. "Patience is not passive; on the contrary, it is active; it is concentrated strength." (Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton) Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to have patience. To allow someone time to come around, (if you are lucky to your way of thinking) or to working through something you put before them (religious etc.)</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">So what happens if your heart and/or mind is so completely given over to this situation or person? Perhaps something came up and you really want the answers now, or things have been going on for a while and you want things good and right again. Unfortunately, you can't shake the person and fix everything (If you could, I would be the first one to try!) "Patience is more about waiting, tolerating, and forgiving. We are patient when we give others their own space and time." (Don Jacobs) Thats what people are about. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">First, you have to get to the point you truly forgive them. Not just for part of it, but for all of it. So that you can honestly be free of that bondage; forgiveness of yourself and others is such a sweet release. You don't have to look in the mirror or at someone else and think about something in the past. And I have been able to let go of a lot these last several weeks. But then, you get to the part you have to "wait and tolerate." I don't like this part as much, this is where shaking and hitting up side the head would be very beneficial in my opinion :) This is where you may not agree with their handling of everything...many words may come to mind haha (try and get past those ha). But rushing it, probably isn't a wise move either(yes, I have to stop myself sometimes). I have to remind myself to NOT rush things...Again, I am not a very patient person. But when something gets to you enough, its hard not to be patient because you always want to hope. You've gotten past the bad, and now you tolerate...And only hope that doesn't have to last too long. Some would just say move on, forget whatever it is. But you know you can't...so you stay busy and keep doing your thing and hope you get what you have been tolerating for a while.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">"It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time."(Winston Churchill)</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">"Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water.Be still and allow the mud to settle."(Lao Tzu)</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-69471850194749190782008-05-14T21:49:00.002-04:002008-05-14T22:30:30.253-04:00Battle at Kruger<span style="font-size:85%;">So since I was little I have loved wild animals, especially the endangered ones :) If you have ever heard of the "Wild Life Fact Files," well, yes I got them every month. I had probably 4 binders full-I was a nerd and loved it! Therefore, National Geographic with any animal specials can be right up my alley. I saw this the other night, and the ending will surprise you. A calf, lions, and a crocodile captured on film by someone on a tour...I enjoyed it, and was rooting for the calf :)</span><br /><a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM"><span style="font-size:85%;">http://youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM</span></a>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-92103935568705536842008-05-13T19:25:00.002-04:002008-05-13T19:35:10.381-04:00A bigger perk? Not yet....<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQYXkXWb82hNXpvJ0bT9I5WKyK3zsG6eVnkJLtJeuxVtfn4WUh80-oKQAS3rH1pW-6BC13XRU_S02HOmlnRTqX9RpQplozV7jZeNXs4JFSCZkY-Zf5xx2KbOx0NiJUqIxMVw0se8ZDoBSQ/s1600-h/bra.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5200010049369369730" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQYXkXWb82hNXpvJ0bT9I5WKyK3zsG6eVnkJLtJeuxVtfn4WUh80-oKQAS3rH1pW-6BC13XRU_S02HOmlnRTqX9RpQplozV7jZeNXs4JFSCZkY-Zf5xx2KbOx0NiJUqIxMVw0se8ZDoBSQ/s200/bra.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:85%;"> So, before my first surgery, the doctor warned me that several things could fluctuate with my hormones-almost like sending me back through puberty. Ha! Well, I was not excited about this...Except the fact that he told me he had several female patients who experienced their boobs getting bigger-2 sizes sometimes. Well...I was not upset about this possibility at all!</span></div><div><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></div><div><span style="font-size:85%;"> Yesterday, during my appointment, he commented that my face had begun to clear up. Since the first surgery my face started breaking out. Not badly, but for me it was. My face has never broken out in my life-until that dumb surgery. So it is nice to see it finally going away...However, I quickly asked him why my boobs have not followed suit and gotten bigger since the hormones have obviously been activated. He said, much to my dismay, that it didn't happen to everyone. I told him I was quite disappointed that I wasn't getting the free boob job along with brain surgery that many have gotten from him :) He said my boobs are just fine...haha. Guess I will have to wait a little bit longer and see if surgery 2 triggers anything, or perhaps this upcoming surgery #3 ;)</span></div>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-36327268976220578032008-05-12T23:59:00.004-04:002008-05-13T10:23:48.736-04:00Going to get Inked? Quite possibly...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrdrQ48te-EaY0iRQQUIVV_fEIkTnc-Afd6f5KoZNWxUmKJfUZW-CNzvmH3VrJFCicx0Vi6Mc8ilWgBxFJ3XnOVhPhOHeLarzbeJRLoLF7u97wtXmXt8lp8fRdr03K-JmXkqlBwtZ0WRp7/s1600-h/tat4.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5199708778888391778" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 125px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 128px" height="140" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrdrQ48te-EaY0iRQQUIVV_fEIkTnc-Afd6f5KoZNWxUmKJfUZW-CNzvmH3VrJFCicx0Vi6Mc8ilWgBxFJ3XnOVhPhOHeLarzbeJRLoLF7u97wtXmXt8lp8fRdr03K-JmXkqlBwtZ0WRp7/s200/tat4.jpg" width="136" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:85%;">A few I have looked at...It has meaning to me. The dragonfly has a poem that is special to me among other reasons (Smiley actually found me another one I like more, but wouldn't post...he loves his tattoos :P)...And, besides this isn't going to really be seen. It would be on my hip...Just a reminder. We shall see what happens...Or if I come across other ideas...</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1SxOzltqtaqdjKJvmP4uVHL5Tg4s7Mr7TJV3zAqBpQieBM446wVYRUX7KGNHW1n2y6VQk_crs8T1MjikYwJ0fAeGLClF5NRWPN25HrgBvwr3h7Mjd32kxE3oy63dvAcvNZnFbuBFuAFfd/s1600-h/tat2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5199707786750946354" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1SxOzltqtaqdjKJvmP4uVHL5Tg4s7Mr7TJV3zAqBpQieBM446wVYRUX7KGNHW1n2y6VQk_crs8T1MjikYwJ0fAeGLClF5NRWPN25HrgBvwr3h7Mjd32kxE3oy63dvAcvNZnFbuBFuAFfd/s200/tat2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQQrdEhmKoacmQ0jyav6c81nIFqDOwlYw1BhcUkxgXVLGLq2YRh0vKyVjoRToApja_WOJA3p9ye-pXDc2WAUXIUGZ1helgXOJDQY2u3rfn-stFQxCpgyf8E7KWFPfp6DMUUJQS-yrv7kDN/s1600-h/tat3.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5199707786750946370" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQQrdEhmKoacmQ0jyav6c81nIFqDOwlYw1BhcUkxgXVLGLq2YRh0vKyVjoRToApja_WOJA3p9ye-pXDc2WAUXIUGZ1helgXOJDQY2u3rfn-stFQxCpgyf8E7KWFPfp6DMUUJQS-yrv7kDN/s200/tat3.jpg" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-size:85%;">Any would have "2.9.08" across or under...Because its important to me. That's all.</span><br /><br /><div></div></div>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-15610181065182671042008-05-12T21:36:00.001-04:002008-05-12T21:39:24.550-04:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXCpR3I7OzcaOhNaS7Cgfgo7kTnHo1N6IVLnoubsaptG3ZcHCIZnx7bdFYeF7sF8gr-YBiGJtO2KAFwomkqB9aq0BtxaOBJTRf7JgyTushSfg0dz7yM4m2PhOR6CtTp5RBN6joXBfjBWXu/s1600-h/mommy.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5199670764132854818" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXCpR3I7OzcaOhNaS7Cgfgo7kTnHo1N6IVLnoubsaptG3ZcHCIZnx7bdFYeF7sF8gr-YBiGJtO2KAFwomkqB9aq0BtxaOBJTRf7JgyTushSfg0dz7yM4m2PhOR6CtTp5RBN6joXBfjBWXu/s320/mommy.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:85%;">So I am a day late in posting this, but those that are in this place in life realize its every day they wish they could hug their baby.</span></div>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-73295401520329929122008-05-11T23:00:00.002-04:002008-05-11T23:25:31.040-04:00<span style="font-size:85%;">Pain. Anguish. Longing to have it back. Being at the absolute end of yourself and realizing God has to get you through the day because there is no possibility that you can, or that you even want to. I think thats where my precious friend was yesterday, and probably stayed today. She got me through hard stuff in high school and has been one, that in the last few months I have been able to share the really hard stuff with- the stuff you can't just tell anyone, and especially expect them to understand where you are really coming from. I don't know what I would have done without her a lot of times, and I am not sure she fully knows just how precious and important she is to me. A lot of heartache and frustration and questioning has been part of both of our lives recently and you want to be there for someone that means so much to you-and we can't. This dang country we live in keeps us over 1600 miles apart. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">I love how God allows us specials bonds with people during our life. Those you can just really connect with, and feel comfortable with to show the good, the bad, and the ugly. I think I have definitely shown all of the above to her, especially recently. But not only does He allow us to just connect because of a friendship, He allows some to connect because of situations. She had her baby girl's memorial service yesterday and I wish I could have been there for her. I understand how she has had to deal with daily questions and up and down with her feelings and emotions. My heart is broken with her over a loss like this...I love her and hate to see this loss for her. </span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">I checked her blog tonight, and she had posted what her husband did for Sydney. I never cry...In months I can think of one time I have...But watching this video had me going. Its hard to understand how God allows a conception of a baby, only to take that baby back to be with Him before his/her mom can enjoy holding 'em, or even complain about the night feedings. But God does choose that sometimes...And thats when you have to trust Him to heal your heart and get you through each minute of each day...</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">If you have time...check out her blog. She writes exactly what she feels and I love her even more for it. </span><a href="http://oursydneygrace.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-size:85%;">http://oursydneygrace.blogspot.com/</span></a>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-12989531445894630072008-05-11T08:56:00.003-04:002008-05-11T09:01:02.637-04:00Do you ever just ache for something that you know has been lost or you know will be? Dreams at night can make it so much worse. And a person(s) that might help aren't around, or possibly not close enough to just listen...That's today...<br />My heart is aching.<br />Just hurting and sad.<br />God's grace is the only thing that will get me through today...Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-79225947456326392802008-05-08T23:55:00.004-04:002008-05-09T00:23:11.922-04:00Patience, Patience, Patience...<span style="font-size:85%;">Patience, my most despised word. Only because I am not very good at it. It has been four weeks since the last surgery...I feel as if I just left the hospital. I wanted recovery to be fast like last time...He has other plans.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Still Tired-check.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Lots of Pain-check.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">People tell me I look sick(bad)- yea,check-(gotta LOVE this one)</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Stuck at the apt-check.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Frustration-double check.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Still taking pain meds daily...usually several times a day. I can handle about an hour of being upright before I want to punch a hole in the wall haha. Sleep-ALL the time. Yesterday I fell asleep about 1030am and didn't wake up until 4...what a waste of a day in my opinion, and I still sleep 9 hours at night AH!!!. Taking folic acid and some other meds EVERY day...can I tell a difference, nope. Shots? Yep, I am giving myself shots in my legs...actually sort of fun in a crazy way (but then I am the one that on really bad days would go get piercings for the rush you get ha! Not anymore...although I have thought about it...or I could always start with tatoos...any ideas? :P) Anyways, it just doesn't feel like a whole lot of progress. Is God still in control? You betcha! He just wants to keep teaching me some things that if I felt great, I probably would be too busy to learn. Sad, but probably true. Am I frustrated? Yes, because I can't get my transcript/diploma until August and can't take the National exam until later-causes lots of issues at work for this summer etc. Again, God is going to teach me something I couldn't otherwise learn. When you feel like there is NOTHING good happening in the situation...its ok-it may not come til later. Be patient :) (I am preaching to myself, believe me!) Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." He has got each of us covered...I have extra time for reading, praying, and writing right now which is a sweet thing I won't always have. So even though at times, usually several times a day I hit the point that I want to scream or feel like breaking down because stuff is just so not going how I wanted it to or how I ever saw it going...thats ok and God understands exactly how I am feeling. And I can thank Him for this opportunity-even though that may sound crazy. Go read James 1.</span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">PS. I have watched lots of movies ;) Bottlerocket-more than once, Madea movies, Moulin Rouge etc...then PS I love you and Snatch are good for this weekend!</span>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1165561868898835186.post-24769090370020460202008-05-08T21:24:00.004-04:002008-05-08T22:44:46.265-04:00Will I trust God through my circumstance, or trust Him to be who He says He is...I have realized the last several months, how much you can gain from listening to the story of someone else. I have always enjoyed being there for someone else, and if they just need to share something and not have me say anything-thats ok. But when you truly listen to what that other person says, its hard to not have it impact you in some way, shape, or form. I think it is safe to say that we all have shattered dreams and unmet expectations. Whether they are big or little, they are very much there. For myself, I feel like the last semester has been one after the other. And believe me, I know good and well that the last few months could have been a lot worse, but it has rocked me, and caused me to really sift through and pray through a lot of different things.<br /><br />I would not have chosen these last few months for myself. Ha, the Lord knows if I had my choice I would have probably run as fast I could from them. But, I didn't have my choice. Now, some of my decisions affected some of what happened, our decisions always do-especially when they are the wrong ones, but I never saw any of this stuff coming. I never would have seen that on the same day I went with a close friend for her bridal portraits, I would be dealing with a loss so real to me on the inside that no one else who was with me that day knew about. Talk about alone? Yep, I felt it that day. When you feel like your heart is breaking into so many small pieces and it physically hurts, and yet you can't even tell your friends. That isn't a loss you get over quickly. Or the day your arm stops working. Oh, I had to keep the smile on and the sarcasm coming so no one else would be quite so worried...but I was so scared. That day led to surgery #2, and me realizing I would again be missing 3 weeks of school...not a good thing when graduation was the next month. And then you have the "normal" losses, your friend moves (in my case, I moved and all my friends stayed in TN), you switch schools, a friend leaves/walks away, a loss of innocence etc. the list is endless. These aren't fun, they aren't planned, and they break your heart. You aren't really sure why in the world God would want to allow crazy things like these to happen. It wasn't part of your plan, you weren't counting on this, it was supposed to be like____.<br /><br />That's the problem though, isn't it? We have our plans and dreams of what our life is supposed to look like... graduate from college, go to grad school-top of the class, get a good job, find a good guy/girl get married, and have kids...and whatever else YOU plan on doing. We have our plan, and don't think about what God already has planned for us. So when something goes "wrong" according to us, that whole Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." thing goes out the window. How could He possibly know what is better for us? Well, last time I checked (and I have to remind myself of this frequently) He happens to be the Creator of the Universe and already knows what He has mapped out for our life... It doesn't matter that we have gotten angry and frustrated about how something is going, and over the fact it is not how we wanted it, He is ok with that. But He does want us to trust Him to take us somewhere BETTER. Somewhere that He chose for us to be at. And we have to go through some things that WE didn't plan on, to get us to where He did.<br /><br />Sometimes it is so hard for me to sit still and do nothing-who am I joking, that is ALWAYS hard for me. And when it involves people, its even harder. I want to make things right and work everything out...not just be still and let God work. Sometimes our hearts are so involved we just want that person to know that we are sorry for what was said, or we do forgive them, we do still care regardless of everything, we didn't mean to put hot sauce in their toothpaste (ok, perhaps that one was done on purpose :P), but we want things done right now!! Instead of maybe letting God do His thing and orchestrate an elaborate fairytale TOMORROW instead of tonight...<br /><br />There are times that yes, we need to jump on it and go ahead and do something...but sometimes I think we use that as an excuse to do it our way. There have been a few times recently I have wanted to pick up the phone and make a call I know I said I wouldn't...oh I can get good at justifying it too :) But, my friend has me call her instead every time I get the urge so I don't do what I said I wouldn't. But that's the thing, I have to be okay trusting God with everything, not just a few things I choose to leave with Him. He wants it all, and I have to give it to Him. He has definitely shown me that the last several months. If He has to break your heart into tiny pieces to get you at that place, He will. Believe me, I know from experience. Deuteronomy 32:4"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." How much more proof do you need to trust in Him and what He has for you?<br /><br />As I wrap this up, I encourage you to click on this link I have put on here. Its about 26 minutes, so you have to have time. But it is a story of trusting Him amidst shattered dreams, and this story speaks to my heart more than most will ever know. Hope it touches you as well...<br /><a href="http://withoutwax.tv/2008/04/28/rocked-to-my-core/">http://withoutwax.tv/2008/04/28/rocked-to-my-core/</a>Jessihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13972183706643314421noreply@blogger.com0