You have to love it when something that should be SO common sense finally hits you in the face. It should be an obvious idea that our own personal walk with the Lord can and most definitely will affect other people. It determines how we deal with things and the decisions we make. However obvious that should be, it hit me in an altogether new light this past week.

When we don't set aside the time to spend in the Word and in prayer really seeking and learning about Christ, not only do we falter, but others around us can as well. By the way we act, the things we say or don't say, the decisions we make, and the list goes on. I have found when my consistency is not there, I will hurt myself and possibly others, and that scares me. That I could put aside the most important thing and cause someone else to be hurt in the process.

I know that when I push aside my time with the Lord, it affects my attitude. My attitude can be awful, my patience is non-existent (although I never have it in spades haha), and my decision making is not near its peak. It truly affects my entire day...And yet I still at times allow myself to get caught up in other things. How dense we are as humans...to know exactly what needs to be done for growth and yet at times refuse to do it. I am thankful God has hit me upside the head the last few days over this, and really convicted me of it. Oh, the stupid things we do far too often. Thank goodness our God is one of mercy and grace...and so importantly one of patience.

I am appalled. Our sin nature disgusts me. Yes, we have been set free from it through Jesus Christ, but it is still so easy to succumb to it. Even the best intentions still fail, and fail miserably. Whether its a sin of the heart, or physical, or against someone else, why does it have to come so easy? In my heart and mind I can purpose to not do something, and be convinced that it has been dealt with etc., and before I know it I am right back in that same place. Why is it, that some things continually kick me and I feel like I will NEVER overcome it.

Paul talks all about his same feelings in Romans 7. "I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sin nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway." In some ways, it gives me some measure of peace to know I am not the only one struggling this way. But on the other hand it frustrates me even more. Why does something I want so badly to beat, evade me?

Am I going about it in the wrong way? Have I really not surrendered it? Is there some other solution? Oh, its driving me crazy. Part of me says it'd be easier to give up and not care. But I know that is the worst attitude, and the one Satan wants me to take. Why do some things seem to be such a struggle? Perhaps I should just lock myself in my apartment and never come out, ha. It seems that would be a good solution for me. I am so tired of this, and yet I know I bring it upon myself. Its too easy to find ways to do exactly what I don't want to. Oh what a sweet, sweet day it will be to stand face to face with our Lord and no longer have to battle our sin nature.

Dropped Passes

I must admit, sports analogies get to me the quickest. Those are the ones that make sense in my mind. I was talking to a good friend of mine yesterday. We were talking about making mistakes and how other people dealing with situations can be disappointing. You can put yourself on whatever side of the analogy you see fit. You have one person we will use as the "ball". This person could have been part of the issue but not as big a factor, but basically the one with somewhat less responsibility. The other person we are going to use as the "wide receiver". This is who the play was geared around, it was his responsibility to see it executed as it should have been. Then we have the "Coach", who is none other than our Lord.

So its a big game, your team is on offense and the QB steps back and lets the ball go. That WR wants to make the catch, but instead of doing it exactly how he was supposed to, he makes a few changes that he thinks works better and he ends up dropping the ball. Now the Coach can do two things. One, bench the player since he made a mistake. Or two, put him right back in the game, because the Coach knows he has it in him. That WR can make those plays and protect and guard that ball like he is supposed to. He has a lot of talent and the Coach doesn't want to waste that. So what about that ball? Well, unfortunately, the ball doesn't have a lot of say at this point. Whether it was totally unfair to the ball, or maybe it was a bit slippery...at this point the decision of the next play rests in the hands of that WR. No matter how much time and practice was between that ball and WR, the ball has to sit on that field and see what the next play will be. That WR has a decision to make. Either he can allow his mistake to stop him from playing that game and wallow in his failure, thinking that running away from it will fix everything in the end, or he can realize he screwed up. He didn't follow the play exactly and cost a pretty important down, but get right back on the field and realize he can take ownership of that ball and that game.

I figure we can all put ourselves on both side of this analogy. If you're on the side of the WR by letting someone down, or making a big mistake...don't make a bigger mistake by how you respond to your failure. Don't let it get to you so badly that you step away from the game...our Coach knows we can succeed if we go by His game plan. And the ball...well, if ya got dropped haha, whether by your assistance or not, you have to learn to trust the Coach to work it out. I haven't ever seen a ball be able to control a WR in a game, and it won't happen in life either. Maybe you have to suffer through a "time-out" that has to get called for either that WR to shake himself and get with it, or for his replacement to get sent in.

:) Now mind you, we were cracking ourselves up with our analogies, and I have to give my buddy who is a football coach credit for this one...But when I paused to really think about it, the dumb little analogy seems to make a good bit of sense.

This morning I was reading a devotional from Joni Eareckson Tada. The scripture she gave was, "From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." -Ephesians 4:16 But her main point was more about how we handle what comes at us. One of the best things we can do for our brothers and sisters in Christ is to gain victory in our trials. We affect one another spiritually by what we are and do individually. And because there is an intimate link between us as believers, your failures affect others, while your victories inspire and encourage them. It was a needed reminder for me today. Not that we are going to be overly bubbly when we are going through hard times, but that underlying acceptance and faith is so very important for those on the outside looking in.

Do people's comments ever get to you, like really bother you, even when you know they shouldn't? You realize if they didn't say it when they did, you probably wouldn't normally care? Its the fact that it was just at the point that when everything was weighing on you... You know they didn't mean it in a flippant way, yet that was how you took it? I seem to be catching myself of that lately. So I've had 2 brain surgeries, about to have at least one more...You'd think I'd be used to everything. And in some ways I am. Perhaps its the fact of what all can go wrong with this next surgery, and I am actually very aware of what that could mean for me. Maybe its the fact I am just so dang tired of dealing with all of this...that I am having more down and weak moments.

So that when I hear comments such as "its all going to work out," "you'll be ok," "stay strong," etc. I want to scream. No they aren't trying to upset me, they are trying to be nice, but they sometimes don't get it. They don't understand what the last year of my life has looked like, and more importantly felt like. They don't know what its like to have disappointment one after another because of my stupid brain. They are fine because they can check in and say some one liner encouragment phrase and then check right back out before ever having to listen to what I really feel about any of it. They assume another friend will be there for me, so they don't need to be. Its because of this stuff I have just been ignoring my calls and not dealing with it. My sarcasm is at an all time high, and sometimes I don't catch myself before saying something that comes out too harsh. I am so fed up with it all, tired of dealing with hurting all the time, and my mind is so incredibly restless. I am just ready for something to make sense, because right now not too much does.

I don't think that either myself, nor my heart know what to do these days. Over the last several months I have had bad days here and there. Who hasn't? But this is so much deeper and darker than that. I find myself preferring to be by myself (I have always liked my space, but this is different) than being with friends or going out anywhere. My friends in Columbia that I feel I could talk to, mostly aren't here this summer, or one is too busy with an internship and their own life to be bothered with this. And that's ok, I don't want to burden anyone with this, which is why I write...

My heart is so heavy these days. I feel as if I would rather just curl up and cry than anything else, and that is so completely opposite of who I am. I know a lot has gone on the last six months, but I wonder why is it all hitting me right now. 2 brain surgeries, friends miscarrying, moving back to SC, leaving really precious friends in TN, frustrations with school, distance from a friend, and now looking towards yet another surgery if not more. I just don't care about much right now, and I hate myself for feeling like that. I feel like all of this is just eating at me and I don't know what to do. I know God is there and He created us with emotions, but I don't feel Him close right now.

A couple guys are on their way up from GA to hang out for the day, and yes, its awesome they are coming to see me, but I just don't feel the excitement I normally do about them, or anyone. I still have been ignoring calls and this just isn't me. I don't know if its the physical pain I am just tired of, the combination of meds I am on, or just everything finally truly getting to me from the last 6 months. I don't know. All I do know is that I am hurting right now, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I hate this and am at a loss as to what I am supposed to do with it...

I have been ignoring phone calls since yesterday. I don't feel like talking to much of anyone. I am sure people are just calling to check on me, but I don't care. I simply silence the ring. A friend called yesterday morning with news that sent me right back to the beginning of February and all of my emotions then. My heart feels like it is right back there, and has broken all over again. I can't handle this right now. It served as another reminder, and with everything else right now, I'm at the end of my rope. I've been by myself the last few days which I have been fine with, but maybe hasn't been the best idea for me. I don't know what to do anymore...and I realize there is only one that can help.