I will be making the next surgery decision next week...
1) I go to Pittsburgh to have my vertebral artery moved away from the brainstem and hope he doesn't cause a bleed into my brain...
2)I go back to NC and have another brainstem decompression surgery...with him removing more of the bone this time
Tired of all of this, and would just like to feel like myself again. Not to mention the medical bills...My head is already worth over 200K haha. Oh, what will next week bring?

Please...I would LOVE more input. HA!

So, everyone tends to think they have the answers for me. And when it comes to relationships, they seem to "know all." HA! Except, they forget to ask me what I want. They feel it is far past time for me to at least give someone a shot. I got a phone call the other night from one of the fam frustrated at me that I said "no" once again to another guy that had asked me out. :) It kills them that I have no interest in even the ones that are sweet, attractive, and do well for themselves. I could care less what they do, I meet plenty of well to do guys and it makes no difference to me. The latest one they want to kill me for, is the beautiful nuclear engineer. haha They want me to "go out", "have fun", "live a little", "give him a chance." No thank you. I have enough friends I can have fun with.

They just love to laugh as they think about who I actually will bring home. They say either he will be a doormat and allow me to do whatever I want, or he will realize I can be a handful and will step up to the challenge. Lets be honest, I won't settle for the first one :). They try and warn "potentials" not to act too interested at the beginning with me or try and call/take up too much of my time. I pretty much bolt with those...Don't smother me or you don't have a chance. I want someone who is just as driven as I am. Yes, it will happen someday(I do want a family and have no objections as to how soon) and I do want to be with a good guy that actually gets to my heart...But believe me, its just SO much fun listening to everyone give me a hard time either over the fact I am not dating right now, or the ones I say "no" to. Oh well, its not them or their life. Its me. I think Scott knows it best when he told me its not the other guys or problems with them...Its the fact my heart has already made up its mind.

Perhaps he knows what he is talking about, and perhaps one of these days I will get around to really dealing with that.

I would like to play some "Grit Ball"

God is faithful to give us what we need, exactly when we need it. A friend came over earlier, and it was good to catch up (while getting some sun :P). Girl talk is always needed, and just being able to be honest with each other with about where we are with some things right now. And then tonight, I was supposed to go meet some people out, but my fever ended up coming back (its been up and down lately w/the cold sweats so its pretty miserable haha). So I opted out and decided to watch movies instead. I started with "The Royal Tennenbaums" and then decided I needed some Madea in my life tonight to finish it out. (Tyler Perry's movies and plays if you don't know. I chose the play "Madea's Class Reunion." It gave me the laugh I needed tonight, but as he always does, he provides with an underlying theme in a comical way. This one has a lot with forgiveness... And even if Madea takes it a little to an extreme to make it funny, its all so true. You have to let the past go before you can move on and really allow something good to come from a bad situation or decision... Holding on to something only hurts you, the other person probably doesn't even care that you were hurt...So don't think staying upset helps anything, especially you. Here's a little clip...(You need to rent some if you haven't before.)

Madea-"Theres one little test most people fail-forgiveness. Its deep. You have to forgive people yourmom, dad et. Not for them, but for you. Youre walking around holding on to all that stuff and theyre sleepin at night. You cant fly with a whole bunch of stuff holding ya down."

Stephanie-"I understand the forgiveness thing, but I dont have to forget do I?"

Madea- "Hell no! You gotta remember, you aint go through all that for nothing. You remember so that you dont let it happen again. And another thing, don't let some guy think you're weak-Oh please don't hurt me. If he does, you beat the hell out of him. All you gotta do is have to lose your mind one time...You gotta go so crazy that it scare you."

Hahaha if you haven't seen it, this may not make the most sense...But I LOVE it!!!

Can you please pinch me?

I bottle up my emotions...I always have. It takes a lot to get me angry, but at times I do get mad, and believe me you will know when I am. But if something frustrates or scares me, or more so hurts me, typically I am going to keep it to myself and not let you know; especially just how badly it does. I think today it has really hit me just how much I have been keeping on the inside. For a little over a month now. And stupid me I don't cry and haven't really given myself a release from it, so its just kept building up. So I think someone needs to hit or pinch me hard enough to make me cry...How soon can you get here...?
:)

Living with a boy...?

So...two people have been up this weekend and staying at the apartment. The guy ended up using my bathroom. I am happy to share necessary things with someone...But when I kept going in there with the toilet seat up made me think. I would have to carefully consider "his" (prospective husband) training... Not to mention, my two pet peeves in the house already are my bathroom and having clean sheets on my bed. I don't know why those two bother me so much, but they do so I clean them all the time. Therefore, my conclusion after this weekend has been; if the guy can't put the toilet seat down either he will learn BEFORE we get married, or its just not going to work out.
:)

Bad decisions. Seems to be the theme the last several months...but this is not one I made; actually the last few have not been made by me, but by guys. How does it work out men always get put in the positions that give them the power to make important decisions?! I mean I understand God gave them the leadership role, but I don't like that right now... Unfortunately, when your heart somewhere along the way gets lost in something, you lose the power to control it. All of sudden you have handed it over, along with being able to protect it from hurt.

Yesterday, I found my dean had made a stupid decision. A very insensitive decision. I have technically graduated. All of my grades are in, and I have maintained my 4.0 the entire time while in the PTA program. However, because of this last surgery, I have 10 makeup days in a clinical rotation. I am at the point in this rotation that I can't/won't fail. All I want is my transcript so that I can take the National Board Exam and begin working full-time. I don't mind finishing the days, but if I don't have my transcript next week, the school will have to hold it until the middle of August. That pushes me back until September to start working as a licensed PTA. He doesn't seem to care. The other faculty members all okayed it, but no, he has to ignore what I want and feel is the best for me, and veto it.

Are guys really this stupid?! There is no point for him making this decision... I have never asked to be shown special treatment because of the two brain surgeries. I have made up everything that I missed, and I did it well. My classmates were amazing and helped me study and catch up. He doesn't seem to remember all of that.He can't complain about my GPA, or anything else...and yet, he still makes this decision. Sometimes I wonder if these stupid decisions that get made really are "in my best interest" (as I am told more than once) or if its just easier for him. Sometimes COMPROMISE is necessary...I don't think guys are good at that ha. You don't always have to go to one extreme when making a decision...

AH!?! Oh well, here is another decision that gets made me for me, and I just have to accept it. HoLy SmOkEs...I don't like, nor am I any good at, accepting things like this... I feel like my heart has had to deal with enough the last few months and been on a rollercoaster of emotions already...I really didn't need this to add to it. Not to mention what news I will get from the two doctors next Tuesday...Guess this is where an extra dose of faith comes in that God can take a man's bad decision and work it out. :)

Serenade

So sweet the hour, so calm the time,
I feel it more than half a crime,
When Nature sleeps and stars are mute,
To mar the silence ev'n with lute.
At rest on ocean's brilliant dyes
An image of Elysium lies:
Seven Pleiades entranced in Heaven,
Form in the deep another seven:
Endymion nodding from above
Sees in the sea a second love.
Within the valleys dim and brown,
And on the spectral mountain's crown,
The wearied light is dying down,
And earth, and stars, and sea, and sky
Are redolent of sleep, as I
Am redolent of thee and thine
Enthralling love, my Adeline.
But list, O list,- so soft and low
Thy lover's voice tonight shall flow,
That, scarce awake, thy soul shall deem
My words the music of a dream.
Thus, while no single sound too rude
Upon thy slumber shall intrude,
Our thoughts, our souls- O God above!
In every deed shall mingle, love.
"Serenade" Edgar Allen Poe
(He's been one of my favorites since I was little...is that twisted? Perhaps...I love it!)