Brutally Honest

Its going on 2am and I am still awake. The sleeping pills have not kicked in(probably because I slept most of today), and I just finished watching the Lakers vs Utah game 2. It was a good game, but I was reading some blogs while it was on. And that is what has caught my attention more so than Kobe being named the MVP... We all go through trying times, and are faced with difficult situations and decisions. Based on our own decisions,we are given consequences-sometimes good and sometimes bad. God also puts situations in our path that are not of our own choosing. I have decided I like to see how people deal with things. Perhaps because everyone deals with difficult things in their own way; some run out and tell everyone, some tell a few but tend to stay quieter, some say nothing, and then others remove themselves from the situation all together and assume with time they can return and it will be okay by then.

Sometimes you can't talk about it. It may be too difficult, someone else is involved so you protect them, you don't know if someone else will understand...Some find writing is easier, and I love those blogs. They are refreshing, they are brutally honest. When you write, it doesn't matter if someone else "gets you" or understands. You don't have to use names, you just write out what you are feeling. I feel that church and society today push the "feel good" message and cause people too often to hide their hurt and frustration. Everything is supposed to be "fine" or "okay." And I know that I fall into that. But when you find the people that aren't worried about being up front about their feelings-good or bad, its like a breath of fresh air when you're on vacation in the mountains :)

The two blogs I was reading tonight were both of women that had lost their baby. (I know I touched on this topic with the last entry, but its on my mind- especially with working some recently in the NICU...it gets to you. And going into pediatric therapy, concentrating on infants doesn't help either.) Both are brutally honest about their experience...Women anticipate the baby's arrival from the moment they know (most will say they know they are pregnant before the test shows it...women are just more intuitive haha...poor guys-so slack!). But from that moment, a woman starts to plan and dream of her baby, regardless of the surrounding situations. Will it be a girl or boy? Who will they look like? What will be their favorite toy? And the list goes on...A mom's attachment to her baby is instantaneous-I don't think there is any man alive who can begin to relate to that.

Therefore, when something goes wrong-it is the mom who suffers the most, and for a lot longer. Not only was that baby part of her, but the dreams for who the baby could become was already part of her as well. The emotions go up and down and range for a long time, its not something that can be dealt with in a week and put aside. There is the physical pain of losing the baby-if it was earlier on it won't last as long, but the closer she was to delivering, the longer it takes to heal physically. But its the emotional that continues regardless of when he was lost...the hurt of losing someone she loved before she had ever held him, anger for him being taken, the questions for God of why He allowed it, guilt-could she have done something different to prevent it or protect him? And it doesn't stop...And then the reminders-every pregnant woman seen, those dumb emails reminding you "You are now __ weeks along", the newborns at church etc.

These two blogs let you hear the raw emotion of two of the many women that have gone through this type of loss... One was halfway through her pregnancy and one was earlier on. It doesn't seem to matter how quickly the baby was lost-regardless, it tears them up. I question if you lose the baby early and never get to feel him move inside you does it make it a little easier? Or do the "what might have beens" add up faster? Does the fact that you are halfway through and feeling your baby move make it so much harder? I don't know-I haven't been in both of those situations. But I know one was thankful for each day she had...even though the ending wasn't her baby going home with her.

I think with a situation like this, it reminds of us of God's sovereignty. Regardless of the emotions and questions that come with it, you have to trust that He has a purpose and a design in His decision to take that child home to Him early. Nowhere in our minds, especially in that of a pregnant mom, would it be a better decision to let go of that baby early-before he could even be the reason for discomfort for the constant kicks in the womb, or lack of sleep at night because he is crying...But God is so much bigger than all of our emotions and thoughts and questions. He knows exactly why he allowed that baby to be conceived even though He knew he would never be present on this earth. And the awesome thing about our God, is even in our difficult times, He allows our range of emotions. He is okay with us getting angry and frustrated and crying ourselves to sleep because it just hurts so bad. He is right there the whole time, and when we allow ourselves to be raw and real with our feelings in any situation, that is where we find ourselves; in the arms of our Daddy who wants to love on us and protect us from harm, but also comfort us when we need Him the most.

He isn't worried because we question Him, or ask that the situation passes us. Christ Himself asked that the cup pass from him, but not his will, may the Father's will be done. That is the place we need arrive at in our heart. Regardless of the situation at hand; a miscarriage, a surgery, a disappointment, a loss of another loved one, new diagnosis, etc. or even a combination of those-we have to come to the point that we can honestly say "not my will." It doesn't mean we won't suffer and possibly be all over the map emotionally, but it does mean we accept His plan-whatever it may be and realize that He is sovreign and has already read our entire story...He knows what He is doing and will always do it to work for good (that doesn't mean every individual situation is perceived by us to be "good"). Trust is a concept that perhaps many of us think we have under control and don't struggle with until God starts testing us...by pulling one thing at a time. But I must say, there is nothing quite so sweet as resting in the arms of Jesus when you feel as if everything else is crumbling around you.

These blogs were a sweet reminder of that. And to allow ourselves to share our real feelings because you never know when that is going to touch someone else at just the right moment. Obviously, some things need to be shared carefully or vaguely... but we have been through things because they are part of our story now and have made us who we are at this moment-even if "this" moment is one that we are struggling in. That still speaks...