I don't think that either myself, nor my heart know what to do these days. Over the last several months I have had bad days here and there. Who hasn't? But this is so much deeper and darker than that. I find myself preferring to be by myself (I have always liked my space, but this is different) than being with friends or going out anywhere. My friends in Columbia that I feel I could talk to, mostly aren't here this summer, or one is too busy with an internship and their own life to be bothered with this. And that's ok, I don't want to burden anyone with this, which is why I write...

My heart is so heavy these days. I feel as if I would rather just curl up and cry than anything else, and that is so completely opposite of who I am. I know a lot has gone on the last six months, but I wonder why is it all hitting me right now. 2 brain surgeries, friends miscarrying, moving back to SC, leaving really precious friends in TN, frustrations with school, distance from a friend, and now looking towards yet another surgery if not more. I just don't care about much right now, and I hate myself for feeling like that. I feel like all of this is just eating at me and I don't know what to do. I know God is there and He created us with emotions, but I don't feel Him close right now.

A couple guys are on their way up from GA to hang out for the day, and yes, its awesome they are coming to see me, but I just don't feel the excitement I normally do about them, or anyone. I still have been ignoring calls and this just isn't me. I don't know if its the physical pain I am just tired of, the combination of meds I am on, or just everything finally truly getting to me from the last 6 months. I don't know. All I do know is that I am hurting right now, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I hate this and am at a loss as to what I am supposed to do with it...