I have realized the last several months, how much you can gain from listening to the story of someone else. I have always enjoyed being there for someone else, and if they just need to share something and not have me say anything-thats ok. But when you truly listen to what that other person says, its hard to not have it impact you in some way, shape, or form. I think it is safe to say that we all have shattered dreams and unmet expectations. Whether they are big or little, they are very much there. For myself, I feel like the last semester has been one after the other. And believe me, I know good and well that the last few months could have been a lot worse, but it has rocked me, and caused me to really sift through and pray through a lot of different things.
I would not have chosen these last few months for myself. Ha, the Lord knows if I had my choice I would have probably run as fast I could from them. But, I didn't have my choice. Now, some of my decisions affected some of what happened, our decisions always do-especially when they are the wrong ones, but I never saw any of this stuff coming. I never would have seen that on the same day I went with a close friend for her bridal portraits, I would be dealing with a loss so real to me on the inside that no one else who was with me that day knew about. Talk about alone? Yep, I felt it that day. When you feel like your heart is breaking into so many small pieces and it physically hurts, and yet you can't even tell your friends. That isn't a loss you get over quickly. Or the day your arm stops working. Oh, I had to keep the smile on and the sarcasm coming so no one else would be quite so worried...but I was so scared. That day led to surgery #2, and me realizing I would again be missing 3 weeks of school...not a good thing when graduation was the next month. And then you have the "normal" losses, your friend moves (in my case, I moved and all my friends stayed in TN), you switch schools, a friend leaves/walks away, a loss of innocence etc. the list is endless. These aren't fun, they aren't planned, and they break your heart. You aren't really sure why in the world God would want to allow crazy things like these to happen. It wasn't part of your plan, you weren't counting on this, it was supposed to be like____.
That's the problem though, isn't it? We have our plans and dreams of what our life is supposed to look like... graduate from college, go to grad school-top of the class, get a good job, find a good guy/girl get married, and have kids...and whatever else YOU plan on doing. We have our plan, and don't think about what God already has planned for us. So when something goes "wrong" according to us, that whole Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." thing goes out the window. How could He possibly know what is better for us? Well, last time I checked (and I have to remind myself of this frequently) He happens to be the Creator of the Universe and already knows what He has mapped out for our life... It doesn't matter that we have gotten angry and frustrated about how something is going, and over the fact it is not how we wanted it, He is ok with that. But He does want us to trust Him to take us somewhere BETTER. Somewhere that He chose for us to be at. And we have to go through some things that WE didn't plan on, to get us to where He did.
Sometimes it is so hard for me to sit still and do nothing-who am I joking, that is ALWAYS hard for me. And when it involves people, its even harder. I want to make things right and work everything out...not just be still and let God work. Sometimes our hearts are so involved we just want that person to know that we are sorry for what was said, or we do forgive them, we do still care regardless of everything, we didn't mean to put hot sauce in their toothpaste (ok, perhaps that one was done on purpose :P), but we want things done right now!! Instead of maybe letting God do His thing and orchestrate an elaborate fairytale TOMORROW instead of tonight...
There are times that yes, we need to jump on it and go ahead and do something...but sometimes I think we use that as an excuse to do it our way. There have been a few times recently I have wanted to pick up the phone and make a call I know I said I wouldn't...oh I can get good at justifying it too :) But, my friend has me call her instead every time I get the urge so I don't do what I said I wouldn't. But that's the thing, I have to be okay trusting God with everything, not just a few things I choose to leave with Him. He wants it all, and I have to give it to Him. He has definitely shown me that the last several months. If He has to break your heart into tiny pieces to get you at that place, He will. Believe me, I know from experience. Deuteronomy 32:4"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." How much more proof do you need to trust in Him and what He has for you?
As I wrap this up, I encourage you to click on this link I have put on here. Its about 26 minutes, so you have to have time. But it is a story of trusting Him amidst shattered dreams, and this story speaks to my heart more than most will ever know. Hope it touches you as well...
http://withoutwax.tv/2008/04/28/rocked-to-my-core/
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