You have to love it when something that should be SO common sense finally hits you in the face. It should be an obvious idea that our own personal walk with the Lord can and most definitely will affect other people. It determines how we deal with things and the decisions we make. However obvious that should be, it hit me in an altogether new light this past week.

When we don't set aside the time to spend in the Word and in prayer really seeking and learning about Christ, not only do we falter, but others around us can as well. By the way we act, the things we say or don't say, the decisions we make, and the list goes on. I have found when my consistency is not there, I will hurt myself and possibly others, and that scares me. That I could put aside the most important thing and cause someone else to be hurt in the process.

I know that when I push aside my time with the Lord, it affects my attitude. My attitude can be awful, my patience is non-existent (although I never have it in spades haha), and my decision making is not near its peak. It truly affects my entire day...And yet I still at times allow myself to get caught up in other things. How dense we are as humans...to know exactly what needs to be done for growth and yet at times refuse to do it. I am thankful God has hit me upside the head the last few days over this, and really convicted me of it. Oh, the stupid things we do far too often. Thank goodness our God is one of mercy and grace...and so importantly one of patience.

I am appalled. Our sin nature disgusts me. Yes, we have been set free from it through Jesus Christ, but it is still so easy to succumb to it. Even the best intentions still fail, and fail miserably. Whether its a sin of the heart, or physical, or against someone else, why does it have to come so easy? In my heart and mind I can purpose to not do something, and be convinced that it has been dealt with etc., and before I know it I am right back in that same place. Why is it, that some things continually kick me and I feel like I will NEVER overcome it.

Paul talks all about his same feelings in Romans 7. "I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sin nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway." In some ways, it gives me some measure of peace to know I am not the only one struggling this way. But on the other hand it frustrates me even more. Why does something I want so badly to beat, evade me?

Am I going about it in the wrong way? Have I really not surrendered it? Is there some other solution? Oh, its driving me crazy. Part of me says it'd be easier to give up and not care. But I know that is the worst attitude, and the one Satan wants me to take. Why do some things seem to be such a struggle? Perhaps I should just lock myself in my apartment and never come out, ha. It seems that would be a good solution for me. I am so tired of this, and yet I know I bring it upon myself. Its too easy to find ways to do exactly what I don't want to. Oh what a sweet, sweet day it will be to stand face to face with our Lord and no longer have to battle our sin nature.

Dropped Passes

I must admit, sports analogies get to me the quickest. Those are the ones that make sense in my mind. I was talking to a good friend of mine yesterday. We were talking about making mistakes and how other people dealing with situations can be disappointing. You can put yourself on whatever side of the analogy you see fit. You have one person we will use as the "ball". This person could have been part of the issue but not as big a factor, but basically the one with somewhat less responsibility. The other person we are going to use as the "wide receiver". This is who the play was geared around, it was his responsibility to see it executed as it should have been. Then we have the "Coach", who is none other than our Lord.

So its a big game, your team is on offense and the QB steps back and lets the ball go. That WR wants to make the catch, but instead of doing it exactly how he was supposed to, he makes a few changes that he thinks works better and he ends up dropping the ball. Now the Coach can do two things. One, bench the player since he made a mistake. Or two, put him right back in the game, because the Coach knows he has it in him. That WR can make those plays and protect and guard that ball like he is supposed to. He has a lot of talent and the Coach doesn't want to waste that. So what about that ball? Well, unfortunately, the ball doesn't have a lot of say at this point. Whether it was totally unfair to the ball, or maybe it was a bit slippery...at this point the decision of the next play rests in the hands of that WR. No matter how much time and practice was between that ball and WR, the ball has to sit on that field and see what the next play will be. That WR has a decision to make. Either he can allow his mistake to stop him from playing that game and wallow in his failure, thinking that running away from it will fix everything in the end, or he can realize he screwed up. He didn't follow the play exactly and cost a pretty important down, but get right back on the field and realize he can take ownership of that ball and that game.

I figure we can all put ourselves on both side of this analogy. If you're on the side of the WR by letting someone down, or making a big mistake...don't make a bigger mistake by how you respond to your failure. Don't let it get to you so badly that you step away from the game...our Coach knows we can succeed if we go by His game plan. And the ball...well, if ya got dropped haha, whether by your assistance or not, you have to learn to trust the Coach to work it out. I haven't ever seen a ball be able to control a WR in a game, and it won't happen in life either. Maybe you have to suffer through a "time-out" that has to get called for either that WR to shake himself and get with it, or for his replacement to get sent in.

:) Now mind you, we were cracking ourselves up with our analogies, and I have to give my buddy who is a football coach credit for this one...But when I paused to really think about it, the dumb little analogy seems to make a good bit of sense.

This morning I was reading a devotional from Joni Eareckson Tada. The scripture she gave was, "From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." -Ephesians 4:16 But her main point was more about how we handle what comes at us. One of the best things we can do for our brothers and sisters in Christ is to gain victory in our trials. We affect one another spiritually by what we are and do individually. And because there is an intimate link between us as believers, your failures affect others, while your victories inspire and encourage them. It was a needed reminder for me today. Not that we are going to be overly bubbly when we are going through hard times, but that underlying acceptance and faith is so very important for those on the outside looking in.

Do people's comments ever get to you, like really bother you, even when you know they shouldn't? You realize if they didn't say it when they did, you probably wouldn't normally care? Its the fact that it was just at the point that when everything was weighing on you... You know they didn't mean it in a flippant way, yet that was how you took it? I seem to be catching myself of that lately. So I've had 2 brain surgeries, about to have at least one more...You'd think I'd be used to everything. And in some ways I am. Perhaps its the fact of what all can go wrong with this next surgery, and I am actually very aware of what that could mean for me. Maybe its the fact I am just so dang tired of dealing with all of this...that I am having more down and weak moments.

So that when I hear comments such as "its all going to work out," "you'll be ok," "stay strong," etc. I want to scream. No they aren't trying to upset me, they are trying to be nice, but they sometimes don't get it. They don't understand what the last year of my life has looked like, and more importantly felt like. They don't know what its like to have disappointment one after another because of my stupid brain. They are fine because they can check in and say some one liner encouragment phrase and then check right back out before ever having to listen to what I really feel about any of it. They assume another friend will be there for me, so they don't need to be. Its because of this stuff I have just been ignoring my calls and not dealing with it. My sarcasm is at an all time high, and sometimes I don't catch myself before saying something that comes out too harsh. I am so fed up with it all, tired of dealing with hurting all the time, and my mind is so incredibly restless. I am just ready for something to make sense, because right now not too much does.

I don't think that either myself, nor my heart know what to do these days. Over the last several months I have had bad days here and there. Who hasn't? But this is so much deeper and darker than that. I find myself preferring to be by myself (I have always liked my space, but this is different) than being with friends or going out anywhere. My friends in Columbia that I feel I could talk to, mostly aren't here this summer, or one is too busy with an internship and their own life to be bothered with this. And that's ok, I don't want to burden anyone with this, which is why I write...

My heart is so heavy these days. I feel as if I would rather just curl up and cry than anything else, and that is so completely opposite of who I am. I know a lot has gone on the last six months, but I wonder why is it all hitting me right now. 2 brain surgeries, friends miscarrying, moving back to SC, leaving really precious friends in TN, frustrations with school, distance from a friend, and now looking towards yet another surgery if not more. I just don't care about much right now, and I hate myself for feeling like that. I feel like all of this is just eating at me and I don't know what to do. I know God is there and He created us with emotions, but I don't feel Him close right now.

A couple guys are on their way up from GA to hang out for the day, and yes, its awesome they are coming to see me, but I just don't feel the excitement I normally do about them, or anyone. I still have been ignoring calls and this just isn't me. I don't know if its the physical pain I am just tired of, the combination of meds I am on, or just everything finally truly getting to me from the last 6 months. I don't know. All I do know is that I am hurting right now, and I feel completely and utterly alone. I hate this and am at a loss as to what I am supposed to do with it...

I have been ignoring phone calls since yesterday. I don't feel like talking to much of anyone. I am sure people are just calling to check on me, but I don't care. I simply silence the ring. A friend called yesterday morning with news that sent me right back to the beginning of February and all of my emotions then. My heart feels like it is right back there, and has broken all over again. I can't handle this right now. It served as another reminder, and with everything else right now, I'm at the end of my rope. I've been by myself the last few days which I have been fine with, but maybe hasn't been the best idea for me. I don't know what to do anymore...and I realize there is only one that can help.

I will be making the next surgery decision next week...
1) I go to Pittsburgh to have my vertebral artery moved away from the brainstem and hope he doesn't cause a bleed into my brain...
2)I go back to NC and have another brainstem decompression surgery...with him removing more of the bone this time
Tired of all of this, and would just like to feel like myself again. Not to mention the medical bills...My head is already worth over 200K haha. Oh, what will next week bring?

Please...I would LOVE more input. HA!

So, everyone tends to think they have the answers for me. And when it comes to relationships, they seem to "know all." HA! Except, they forget to ask me what I want. They feel it is far past time for me to at least give someone a shot. I got a phone call the other night from one of the fam frustrated at me that I said "no" once again to another guy that had asked me out. :) It kills them that I have no interest in even the ones that are sweet, attractive, and do well for themselves. I could care less what they do, I meet plenty of well to do guys and it makes no difference to me. The latest one they want to kill me for, is the beautiful nuclear engineer. haha They want me to "go out", "have fun", "live a little", "give him a chance." No thank you. I have enough friends I can have fun with.

They just love to laugh as they think about who I actually will bring home. They say either he will be a doormat and allow me to do whatever I want, or he will realize I can be a handful and will step up to the challenge. Lets be honest, I won't settle for the first one :). They try and warn "potentials" not to act too interested at the beginning with me or try and call/take up too much of my time. I pretty much bolt with those...Don't smother me or you don't have a chance. I want someone who is just as driven as I am. Yes, it will happen someday(I do want a family and have no objections as to how soon) and I do want to be with a good guy that actually gets to my heart...But believe me, its just SO much fun listening to everyone give me a hard time either over the fact I am not dating right now, or the ones I say "no" to. Oh well, its not them or their life. Its me. I think Scott knows it best when he told me its not the other guys or problems with them...Its the fact my heart has already made up its mind.

Perhaps he knows what he is talking about, and perhaps one of these days I will get around to really dealing with that.

I would like to play some "Grit Ball"

God is faithful to give us what we need, exactly when we need it. A friend came over earlier, and it was good to catch up (while getting some sun :P). Girl talk is always needed, and just being able to be honest with each other with about where we are with some things right now. And then tonight, I was supposed to go meet some people out, but my fever ended up coming back (its been up and down lately w/the cold sweats so its pretty miserable haha). So I opted out and decided to watch movies instead. I started with "The Royal Tennenbaums" and then decided I needed some Madea in my life tonight to finish it out. (Tyler Perry's movies and plays if you don't know. I chose the play "Madea's Class Reunion." It gave me the laugh I needed tonight, but as he always does, he provides with an underlying theme in a comical way. This one has a lot with forgiveness... And even if Madea takes it a little to an extreme to make it funny, its all so true. You have to let the past go before you can move on and really allow something good to come from a bad situation or decision... Holding on to something only hurts you, the other person probably doesn't even care that you were hurt...So don't think staying upset helps anything, especially you. Here's a little clip...(You need to rent some if you haven't before.)

Madea-"Theres one little test most people fail-forgiveness. Its deep. You have to forgive people yourmom, dad et. Not for them, but for you. Youre walking around holding on to all that stuff and theyre sleepin at night. You cant fly with a whole bunch of stuff holding ya down."

Stephanie-"I understand the forgiveness thing, but I dont have to forget do I?"

Madea- "Hell no! You gotta remember, you aint go through all that for nothing. You remember so that you dont let it happen again. And another thing, don't let some guy think you're weak-Oh please don't hurt me. If he does, you beat the hell out of him. All you gotta do is have to lose your mind one time...You gotta go so crazy that it scare you."

Hahaha if you haven't seen it, this may not make the most sense...But I LOVE it!!!

Can you please pinch me?

I bottle up my emotions...I always have. It takes a lot to get me angry, but at times I do get mad, and believe me you will know when I am. But if something frustrates or scares me, or more so hurts me, typically I am going to keep it to myself and not let you know; especially just how badly it does. I think today it has really hit me just how much I have been keeping on the inside. For a little over a month now. And stupid me I don't cry and haven't really given myself a release from it, so its just kept building up. So I think someone needs to hit or pinch me hard enough to make me cry...How soon can you get here...?
:)

Living with a boy...?

So...two people have been up this weekend and staying at the apartment. The guy ended up using my bathroom. I am happy to share necessary things with someone...But when I kept going in there with the toilet seat up made me think. I would have to carefully consider "his" (prospective husband) training... Not to mention, my two pet peeves in the house already are my bathroom and having clean sheets on my bed. I don't know why those two bother me so much, but they do so I clean them all the time. Therefore, my conclusion after this weekend has been; if the guy can't put the toilet seat down either he will learn BEFORE we get married, or its just not going to work out.
:)

Bad decisions. Seems to be the theme the last several months...but this is not one I made; actually the last few have not been made by me, but by guys. How does it work out men always get put in the positions that give them the power to make important decisions?! I mean I understand God gave them the leadership role, but I don't like that right now... Unfortunately, when your heart somewhere along the way gets lost in something, you lose the power to control it. All of sudden you have handed it over, along with being able to protect it from hurt.

Yesterday, I found my dean had made a stupid decision. A very insensitive decision. I have technically graduated. All of my grades are in, and I have maintained my 4.0 the entire time while in the PTA program. However, because of this last surgery, I have 10 makeup days in a clinical rotation. I am at the point in this rotation that I can't/won't fail. All I want is my transcript so that I can take the National Board Exam and begin working full-time. I don't mind finishing the days, but if I don't have my transcript next week, the school will have to hold it until the middle of August. That pushes me back until September to start working as a licensed PTA. He doesn't seem to care. The other faculty members all okayed it, but no, he has to ignore what I want and feel is the best for me, and veto it.

Are guys really this stupid?! There is no point for him making this decision... I have never asked to be shown special treatment because of the two brain surgeries. I have made up everything that I missed, and I did it well. My classmates were amazing and helped me study and catch up. He doesn't seem to remember all of that.He can't complain about my GPA, or anything else...and yet, he still makes this decision. Sometimes I wonder if these stupid decisions that get made really are "in my best interest" (as I am told more than once) or if its just easier for him. Sometimes COMPROMISE is necessary...I don't think guys are good at that ha. You don't always have to go to one extreme when making a decision...

AH!?! Oh well, here is another decision that gets made me for me, and I just have to accept it. HoLy SmOkEs...I don't like, nor am I any good at, accepting things like this... I feel like my heart has had to deal with enough the last few months and been on a rollercoaster of emotions already...I really didn't need this to add to it. Not to mention what news I will get from the two doctors next Tuesday...Guess this is where an extra dose of faith comes in that God can take a man's bad decision and work it out. :)

Serenade

So sweet the hour, so calm the time,
I feel it more than half a crime,
When Nature sleeps and stars are mute,
To mar the silence ev'n with lute.
At rest on ocean's brilliant dyes
An image of Elysium lies:
Seven Pleiades entranced in Heaven,
Form in the deep another seven:
Endymion nodding from above
Sees in the sea a second love.
Within the valleys dim and brown,
And on the spectral mountain's crown,
The wearied light is dying down,
And earth, and stars, and sea, and sky
Are redolent of sleep, as I
Am redolent of thee and thine
Enthralling love, my Adeline.
But list, O list,- so soft and low
Thy lover's voice tonight shall flow,
That, scarce awake, thy soul shall deem
My words the music of a dream.
Thus, while no single sound too rude
Upon thy slumber shall intrude,
Our thoughts, our souls- O God above!
In every deed shall mingle, love.
"Serenade" Edgar Allen Poe
(He's been one of my favorites since I was little...is that twisted? Perhaps...I love it!)

Capable of duplicity.

I am a very trusting person. I don't doubt what people say to me, especially people I care about. Tonight...well, I am wondering if perhaps I should. Can someone really come up with a convincing story about their motives and convince me its right and the best, even when that is the furthest thing from the truth? I am hoping not, and don't like thinking like that at all. But tonight, those thoughts are haunting me (the pain meds probably don't help :P). Can someone really be that hurtful and insensitive? Perhaps, oh but I don't want that to be true...I suppose only time will tell...But this is not a fun place to be in.

Tonight, my thoughts are flowing. Perhaps because of poem(I have been reading a lot of the classics tonight haha), a truck, a commercial, a baby, who knows...But my mind is restless and wants an outlet. So I write...its what has always made me feel better. When something has gotten to my heart, whether recent or past, I have to get it out somehow...I can't just walk away from it and hope time fixes everything. So pages and pages of my thoughts and feelings come out. And no, I can't share it all on here-perhaps someday. And its hard when you can't even share it with someone you may want to...but its difficult to do if they aren't here(and the whole its midnight thing) :)

So...I guess I am left with only my thoughts and my dreams again tonight...

Patience is passion tamed.-Lyman Abbott

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves." Rainer Maria Rilke

Sometimes I think that which we want the most, at some point we are asked to wait for it. When something affects your heart, it has the power to hurt you and drive you crazy. I don't like it when things get to that point. I lose my control over it then. I like keeping control of things; my plans, my emotions, my independence, etc. Now if the struggle is within yourself, well you can deal with it how you choose, if someone(s) else is part of it that is where it can get tricky.

I am a pretty proactive person. If I make a goal or know what I want, I will work hard to get it. You can't control other people though. So when I have to wait on someone else for a school, medical, or personal related issue, I feel like I am not doing anything when I should be. But sometimes, you do have to wait. "Patience is not passive; on the contrary, it is active; it is concentrated strength." (Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton) Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to have patience. To allow someone time to come around, (if you are lucky to your way of thinking) or to working through something you put before them (religious etc.)

So what happens if your heart and/or mind is so completely given over to this situation or person? Perhaps something came up and you really want the answers now, or things have been going on for a while and you want things good and right again. Unfortunately, you can't shake the person and fix everything (If you could, I would be the first one to try!) "Patience is more about waiting, tolerating, and forgiving. We are patient when we give others their own space and time." (Don Jacobs) Thats what people are about.

First, you have to get to the point you truly forgive them. Not just for part of it, but for all of it. So that you can honestly be free of that bondage; forgiveness of yourself and others is such a sweet release. You don't have to look in the mirror or at someone else and think about something in the past. And I have been able to let go of a lot these last several weeks. But then, you get to the part you have to "wait and tolerate." I don't like this part as much, this is where shaking and hitting up side the head would be very beneficial in my opinion :) This is where you may not agree with their handling of everything...many words may come to mind haha (try and get past those ha). But rushing it, probably isn't a wise move either(yes, I have to stop myself sometimes). I have to remind myself to NOT rush things...Again, I am not a very patient person. But when something gets to you enough, its hard not to be patient because you always want to hope. You've gotten past the bad, and now you tolerate...And only hope that doesn't have to last too long. Some would just say move on, forget whatever it is. But you know you can't...so you stay busy and keep doing your thing and hope you get what you have been tolerating for a while.
"It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time."(Winston Churchill)

"Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water.Be still and allow the mud to settle."(Lao Tzu)

Battle at Kruger

So since I was little I have loved wild animals, especially the endangered ones :) If you have ever heard of the "Wild Life Fact Files," well, yes I got them every month. I had probably 4 binders full-I was a nerd and loved it! Therefore, National Geographic with any animal specials can be right up my alley. I saw this the other night, and the ending will surprise you. A calf, lions, and a crocodile captured on film by someone on a tour...I enjoyed it, and was rooting for the calf :)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM

A bigger perk? Not yet....

So, before my first surgery, the doctor warned me that several things could fluctuate with my hormones-almost like sending me back through puberty. Ha! Well, I was not excited about this...Except the fact that he told me he had several female patients who experienced their boobs getting bigger-2 sizes sometimes. Well...I was not upset about this possibility at all!

Yesterday, during my appointment, he commented that my face had begun to clear up. Since the first surgery my face started breaking out. Not badly, but for me it was. My face has never broken out in my life-until that dumb surgery. So it is nice to see it finally going away...However, I quickly asked him why my boobs have not followed suit and gotten bigger since the hormones have obviously been activated. He said, much to my dismay, that it didn't happen to everyone. I told him I was quite disappointed that I wasn't getting the free boob job along with brain surgery that many have gotten from him :) He said my boobs are just fine...haha. Guess I will have to wait a little bit longer and see if surgery 2 triggers anything, or perhaps this upcoming surgery #3 ;)

Going to get Inked? Quite possibly...

A few I have looked at...It has meaning to me. The dragonfly has a poem that is special to me among other reasons (Smiley actually found me another one I like more, but wouldn't post...he loves his tattoos :P)...And, besides this isn't going to really be seen. It would be on my hip...Just a reminder. We shall see what happens...Or if I come across other ideas...
Any would have "2.9.08" across or under...Because its important to me. That's all.

So I am a day late in posting this, but those that are in this place in life realize its every day they wish they could hug their baby.

Pain. Anguish. Longing to have it back. Being at the absolute end of yourself and realizing God has to get you through the day because there is no possibility that you can, or that you even want to. I think thats where my precious friend was yesterday, and probably stayed today. She got me through hard stuff in high school and has been one, that in the last few months I have been able to share the really hard stuff with- the stuff you can't just tell anyone, and especially expect them to understand where you are really coming from. I don't know what I would have done without her a lot of times, and I am not sure she fully knows just how precious and important she is to me. A lot of heartache and frustration and questioning has been part of both of our lives recently and you want to be there for someone that means so much to you-and we can't. This dang country we live in keeps us over 1600 miles apart.

I love how God allows us specials bonds with people during our life. Those you can just really connect with, and feel comfortable with to show the good, the bad, and the ugly. I think I have definitely shown all of the above to her, especially recently. But not only does He allow us to just connect because of a friendship, He allows some to connect because of situations. She had her baby girl's memorial service yesterday and I wish I could have been there for her. I understand how she has had to deal with daily questions and up and down with her feelings and emotions. My heart is broken with her over a loss like this...I love her and hate to see this loss for her.

I checked her blog tonight, and she had posted what her husband did for Sydney. I never cry...In months I can think of one time I have...But watching this video had me going. Its hard to understand how God allows a conception of a baby, only to take that baby back to be with Him before his/her mom can enjoy holding 'em, or even complain about the night feedings. But God does choose that sometimes...And thats when you have to trust Him to heal your heart and get you through each minute of each day...

If you have time...check out her blog. She writes exactly what she feels and I love her even more for it. http://oursydneygrace.blogspot.com/

Do you ever just ache for something that you know has been lost or you know will be? Dreams at night can make it so much worse. And a person(s) that might help aren't around, or possibly not close enough to just listen...That's today...
My heart is aching.
Just hurting and sad.
God's grace is the only thing that will get me through today...

Patience, Patience, Patience...

Patience, my most despised word. Only because I am not very good at it. It has been four weeks since the last surgery...I feel as if I just left the hospital. I wanted recovery to be fast like last time...He has other plans.
Still Tired-check.
Lots of Pain-check.
People tell me I look sick(bad)- yea,check-(gotta LOVE this one)
Stuck at the apt-check.
Frustration-double check.

Still taking pain meds daily...usually several times a day. I can handle about an hour of being upright before I want to punch a hole in the wall haha. Sleep-ALL the time. Yesterday I fell asleep about 1030am and didn't wake up until 4...what a waste of a day in my opinion, and I still sleep 9 hours at night AH!!!. Taking folic acid and some other meds EVERY day...can I tell a difference, nope. Shots? Yep, I am giving myself shots in my legs...actually sort of fun in a crazy way (but then I am the one that on really bad days would go get piercings for the rush you get ha! Not anymore...although I have thought about it...or I could always start with tatoos...any ideas? :P) Anyways, it just doesn't feel like a whole lot of progress. Is God still in control? You betcha! He just wants to keep teaching me some things that if I felt great, I probably would be too busy to learn. Sad, but probably true. Am I frustrated? Yes, because I can't get my transcript/diploma until August and can't take the National exam until later-causes lots of issues at work for this summer etc. Again, God is going to teach me something I couldn't otherwise learn. When you feel like there is NOTHING good happening in the situation...its ok-it may not come til later. Be patient :) (I am preaching to myself, believe me!) Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." He has got each of us covered...I have extra time for reading, praying, and writing right now which is a sweet thing I won't always have. So even though at times, usually several times a day I hit the point that I want to scream or feel like breaking down because stuff is just so not going how I wanted it to or how I ever saw it going...thats ok and God understands exactly how I am feeling. And I can thank Him for this opportunity-even though that may sound crazy. Go read James 1.

PS. I have watched lots of movies ;) Bottlerocket-more than once, Madea movies, Moulin Rouge etc...then PS I love you and Snatch are good for this weekend!

Will I trust God through my circumstance, or trust Him to be who He says He is...

I have realized the last several months, how much you can gain from listening to the story of someone else. I have always enjoyed being there for someone else, and if they just need to share something and not have me say anything-thats ok. But when you truly listen to what that other person says, its hard to not have it impact you in some way, shape, or form. I think it is safe to say that we all have shattered dreams and unmet expectations. Whether they are big or little, they are very much there. For myself, I feel like the last semester has been one after the other. And believe me, I know good and well that the last few months could have been a lot worse, but it has rocked me, and caused me to really sift through and pray through a lot of different things.

I would not have chosen these last few months for myself. Ha, the Lord knows if I had my choice I would have probably run as fast I could from them. But, I didn't have my choice. Now, some of my decisions affected some of what happened, our decisions always do-especially when they are the wrong ones, but I never saw any of this stuff coming. I never would have seen that on the same day I went with a close friend for her bridal portraits, I would be dealing with a loss so real to me on the inside that no one else who was with me that day knew about. Talk about alone? Yep, I felt it that day. When you feel like your heart is breaking into so many small pieces and it physically hurts, and yet you can't even tell your friends. That isn't a loss you get over quickly. Or the day your arm stops working. Oh, I had to keep the smile on and the sarcasm coming so no one else would be quite so worried...but I was so scared. That day led to surgery #2, and me realizing I would again be missing 3 weeks of school...not a good thing when graduation was the next month. And then you have the "normal" losses, your friend moves (in my case, I moved and all my friends stayed in TN), you switch schools, a friend leaves/walks away, a loss of innocence etc. the list is endless. These aren't fun, they aren't planned, and they break your heart. You aren't really sure why in the world God would want to allow crazy things like these to happen. It wasn't part of your plan, you weren't counting on this, it was supposed to be like____.

That's the problem though, isn't it? We have our plans and dreams of what our life is supposed to look like... graduate from college, go to grad school-top of the class, get a good job, find a good guy/girl get married, and have kids...and whatever else YOU plan on doing. We have our plan, and don't think about what God already has planned for us. So when something goes "wrong" according to us, that whole Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." thing goes out the window. How could He possibly know what is better for us? Well, last time I checked (and I have to remind myself of this frequently) He happens to be the Creator of the Universe and already knows what He has mapped out for our life... It doesn't matter that we have gotten angry and frustrated about how something is going, and over the fact it is not how we wanted it, He is ok with that. But He does want us to trust Him to take us somewhere BETTER. Somewhere that He chose for us to be at. And we have to go through some things that WE didn't plan on, to get us to where He did.

Sometimes it is so hard for me to sit still and do nothing-who am I joking, that is ALWAYS hard for me. And when it involves people, its even harder. I want to make things right and work everything out...not just be still and let God work. Sometimes our hearts are so involved we just want that person to know that we are sorry for what was said, or we do forgive them, we do still care regardless of everything, we didn't mean to put hot sauce in their toothpaste (ok, perhaps that one was done on purpose :P), but we want things done right now!! Instead of maybe letting God do His thing and orchestrate an elaborate fairytale TOMORROW instead of tonight...

There are times that yes, we need to jump on it and go ahead and do something...but sometimes I think we use that as an excuse to do it our way. There have been a few times recently I have wanted to pick up the phone and make a call I know I said I wouldn't...oh I can get good at justifying it too :) But, my friend has me call her instead every time I get the urge so I don't do what I said I wouldn't. But that's the thing, I have to be okay trusting God with everything, not just a few things I choose to leave with Him. He wants it all, and I have to give it to Him. He has definitely shown me that the last several months. If He has to break your heart into tiny pieces to get you at that place, He will. Believe me, I know from experience. Deuteronomy 32:4"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." How much more proof do you need to trust in Him and what He has for you?

As I wrap this up, I encourage you to click on this link I have put on here. Its about 26 minutes, so you have to have time. But it is a story of trusting Him amidst shattered dreams, and this story speaks to my heart more than most will ever know. Hope it touches you as well...
http://withoutwax.tv/2008/04/28/rocked-to-my-core/

"To dance is to give oneself up to the rhythms of all life" - Dr. Maya V. Patel

"Everything in the universe has rhythm. Everything dances." - Maya Angelou

How long has it been since you have done something that made you really happy? I am not talking about just having a great dinner with friends or a small break from your crazy pile of work; I am wondering what is that one thing that always makes you happy and you can lose yourself in? For me, I could say there are several things that make me happy and allow me to quit stressing over whatever else is going on; fishing, hiking, camping, four wheeling, etc those types of activities. They allow me to mellow out and relax... But if you ask me what makes me come alive? It wouldn't be those same answers. What makes me come alive, and is visible all over my face is dancing.

When I am dancing, I am in my moment-in my head everything else fades away and I can forget about all the bad stuff around me and just be absolutely and completely free. And I am talking about ALL kinds of dancing; the waltz, shagging, salsa, some booty shakin', and everything in between. I love being able to listen to a beat or rhythm and letting my body move to it. My competitive side comes out if its in public...I can't let someone else show me up or attempt to some new move etc. :) I love how I feel when I am dancing. Nothing else matters...and even my partner, as long as he knows what he is doing and isn't messing me up, he doesn't matter to me. I don't mean that quite as harsh as it sounds haha, but dancing to me isn't some way to meet or attract a guy, or to be the center of attention in some club-its about me being able to get out all the emotions that have been stuck inside of me. Some people may not understand that, and thats because dancing wouldn't ever do that for them. But for me, its something that has always come easy and natural for me and I can lose myself in it. And yes. to water down my previous statement, at some point when I find a guy that we can both put up with each other long enough, sure it will be fun to dance with him (even if he is no good haha)-but then it would be more just for fun, not that release it gives me now.

Maybe for you, your release comes through painting (ha-that would NEVER be mine), or playing some musical instrument, a game of soccer (now I can get into that, but still not the same level of release for me), running for some. I think my point is, that today we almost feel guilty for doing something that we know lets us forget about other things because we know there is some huge case to go over, or paperwork to be done, a house to be cleaned etc. And yes, there must be a balance between work and play, but we can't focus so much on work and stifling all the feelings of restlessness that will come.

I have found myself beyond frustrated lately (for numerous reasons) but two that were driving me crazy. One, that has been in my head for a while, is the fact I had found someone I could not let loose and just dance in front of. Yes, I would dance and some would deem it good-but for those that have really seen me dance, they would wonder what my problem was. This irritated me, even if the person didn't know it did. I didn't get it, I was comfortable around 'em so why all of a sudden could I not in a sense, just be completely me? Was I losing my touch? Oh, I really hoped not. But then, lately I have increased that frustration by not being able to dance at all because of surgery-the head hurt too much and the neck was too stiff to move anything but my hips ha. It was building up, badly, until last weekend. A friend's wedding in TN. It was an interracial wedding...right up my alley. I was hurting yes, but seeing the dance floor full and all of the white guests still sitting-I didn't care what my pain level was. And then I saw her, a girl probably 9 years old and it was her face. She was lost in the music and her face was full of straight up joy over being able to move her body to the beat. I knew what that felt like, and it had been long enough without it-I got up on the dance floor and danced with all of them the rest of the night. And I was happy. So happy. And finally today it hit me why I couldn't dance in front of that person-I cared what they thought.

Dancing is in me-its part of who I am. And I LOVE it. People who have watched me, whether its in a competition, around the house (yes, I dance around the house. ALL the time, to any music-even just in my head. I admit it-its a blast. You should try it sometime :P),or at some dance club, always comment on my face. I am excited while I do it. And that is why I froze up so bad, dancing means so much to me, that I was afraid of what that person may say about it. And if they said something negative, it would be a lot more hurtful because it was something that is so close to my heart, and I didn't want to give them that chance. Oh gracious, how stupid can we be? Why in the world do we let someone else's opinion stop us from doing something we love-especially when they are not that good at it themselves? No offense ha. We all have different things that we are passionate about-and that is what makes us coming together so exciting. We bring different things to the table. So why do we let other people, and other things (work, papers, and other commitments) keep us from doing something that makes us really happy? According to studies posted by the CDC at least 40% of workers say that they "very often" feel burned out and stressed because of their job. 56% of men work over 50 hours a week. No wonder everyone lives exhausted and frustrated because its the same thing day in and day out. And what always takes the back burner? The people that should matter the most and the activities that relieve our stress instead of add to it.

"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music." George Carlin
I guess I will be just fine being considered insane then, for I am always hearing and moving to the music in my head.

Chiari Pillow

Bought it. Love it. Totally worth it. :)
http://www.pressenter.com/~chip/chiaripillow.htm

Brutally Honest

Its going on 2am and I am still awake. The sleeping pills have not kicked in(probably because I slept most of today), and I just finished watching the Lakers vs Utah game 2. It was a good game, but I was reading some blogs while it was on. And that is what has caught my attention more so than Kobe being named the MVP... We all go through trying times, and are faced with difficult situations and decisions. Based on our own decisions,we are given consequences-sometimes good and sometimes bad. God also puts situations in our path that are not of our own choosing. I have decided I like to see how people deal with things. Perhaps because everyone deals with difficult things in their own way; some run out and tell everyone, some tell a few but tend to stay quieter, some say nothing, and then others remove themselves from the situation all together and assume with time they can return and it will be okay by then.

Sometimes you can't talk about it. It may be too difficult, someone else is involved so you protect them, you don't know if someone else will understand...Some find writing is easier, and I love those blogs. They are refreshing, they are brutally honest. When you write, it doesn't matter if someone else "gets you" or understands. You don't have to use names, you just write out what you are feeling. I feel that church and society today push the "feel good" message and cause people too often to hide their hurt and frustration. Everything is supposed to be "fine" or "okay." And I know that I fall into that. But when you find the people that aren't worried about being up front about their feelings-good or bad, its like a breath of fresh air when you're on vacation in the mountains :)

The two blogs I was reading tonight were both of women that had lost their baby. (I know I touched on this topic with the last entry, but its on my mind- especially with working some recently in the NICU...it gets to you. And going into pediatric therapy, concentrating on infants doesn't help either.) Both are brutally honest about their experience...Women anticipate the baby's arrival from the moment they know (most will say they know they are pregnant before the test shows it...women are just more intuitive haha...poor guys-so slack!). But from that moment, a woman starts to plan and dream of her baby, regardless of the surrounding situations. Will it be a girl or boy? Who will they look like? What will be their favorite toy? And the list goes on...A mom's attachment to her baby is instantaneous-I don't think there is any man alive who can begin to relate to that.

Therefore, when something goes wrong-it is the mom who suffers the most, and for a lot longer. Not only was that baby part of her, but the dreams for who the baby could become was already part of her as well. The emotions go up and down and range for a long time, its not something that can be dealt with in a week and put aside. There is the physical pain of losing the baby-if it was earlier on it won't last as long, but the closer she was to delivering, the longer it takes to heal physically. But its the emotional that continues regardless of when he was lost...the hurt of losing someone she loved before she had ever held him, anger for him being taken, the questions for God of why He allowed it, guilt-could she have done something different to prevent it or protect him? And it doesn't stop...And then the reminders-every pregnant woman seen, those dumb emails reminding you "You are now __ weeks along", the newborns at church etc.

These two blogs let you hear the raw emotion of two of the many women that have gone through this type of loss... One was halfway through her pregnancy and one was earlier on. It doesn't seem to matter how quickly the baby was lost-regardless, it tears them up. I question if you lose the baby early and never get to feel him move inside you does it make it a little easier? Or do the "what might have beens" add up faster? Does the fact that you are halfway through and feeling your baby move make it so much harder? I don't know-I haven't been in both of those situations. But I know one was thankful for each day she had...even though the ending wasn't her baby going home with her.

I think with a situation like this, it reminds of us of God's sovereignty. Regardless of the emotions and questions that come with it, you have to trust that He has a purpose and a design in His decision to take that child home to Him early. Nowhere in our minds, especially in that of a pregnant mom, would it be a better decision to let go of that baby early-before he could even be the reason for discomfort for the constant kicks in the womb, or lack of sleep at night because he is crying...But God is so much bigger than all of our emotions and thoughts and questions. He knows exactly why he allowed that baby to be conceived even though He knew he would never be present on this earth. And the awesome thing about our God, is even in our difficult times, He allows our range of emotions. He is okay with us getting angry and frustrated and crying ourselves to sleep because it just hurts so bad. He is right there the whole time, and when we allow ourselves to be raw and real with our feelings in any situation, that is where we find ourselves; in the arms of our Daddy who wants to love on us and protect us from harm, but also comfort us when we need Him the most.

He isn't worried because we question Him, or ask that the situation passes us. Christ Himself asked that the cup pass from him, but not his will, may the Father's will be done. That is the place we need arrive at in our heart. Regardless of the situation at hand; a miscarriage, a surgery, a disappointment, a loss of another loved one, new diagnosis, etc. or even a combination of those-we have to come to the point that we can honestly say "not my will." It doesn't mean we won't suffer and possibly be all over the map emotionally, but it does mean we accept His plan-whatever it may be and realize that He is sovreign and has already read our entire story...He knows what He is doing and will always do it to work for good (that doesn't mean every individual situation is perceived by us to be "good"). Trust is a concept that perhaps many of us think we have under control and don't struggle with until God starts testing us...by pulling one thing at a time. But I must say, there is nothing quite so sweet as resting in the arms of Jesus when you feel as if everything else is crumbling around you.

These blogs were a sweet reminder of that. And to allow ourselves to share our real feelings because you never know when that is going to touch someone else at just the right moment. Obviously, some things need to be shared carefully or vaguely... but we have been through things because they are part of our story now and have made us who we are at this moment-even if "this" moment is one that we are struggling in. That still speaks...

The Precious Angels That Left Too Soon

So it sometimes seems that when God wants to show or teach us something, or even just be able to better comfort a friend, He doesn't just show us with one; He shows us with multiple loved ones. You have the old saying, "when it rains it pours."

Working in healthcare and especially in the hospitals makes you realize just how precious life is-no matter if it has only just been conceived, or if it has been through life's long journey and is now about at the end. You are reminded daily how important it is to tell those that mean the most to you, just how you feel about them. I have seen this last year patients that have been on their deathbeds, just diagnosed with cancer that can't be treated, and parents watching their new baby in the NICU not make it. In the last several months I have had more than one very dear friend lose their baby-sometimes its an early miscarriage and sometimes its fullterm and born still. However God is reasoning, He wants that baby with Him and not here with us. Whatever time God chooses to take that baby back to Him still leaves that void and questions that won't ever be answered here on earth. Either way it causes a stream of emotions and a broken heart.

This quickly approaching weekend is why I think I have this on my heart, and my heart just aches over it. Its Mother's Day. For most people its a very happy day of being with family and reliving old memories and just being together. For some, its a reminder of someone that isn't there that should have been...a mom that has already passed on or a baby being missed -whether that baby had a nursery all ready for him or her, or his mom never had a chance to hold him because he was lost too early. For a mom, it doesn't matter how short or how long she knew about that precious little baby...that was someone that was part of her and that doesn't ever change. I know this weekend will be especially hard for one of my sweet friends because she is having the memorial service for her precious Sydney Grace. I wish I could stop the pain of that loss...But God allowed it for some reason, and she was too precious to Him to share with the rest of us. All we can do now is pray for healing...and trust in His sovereignty.

A patient of mine today was talking to me, and I was asking her how exactly she had gotten hurt. She started telling me and then explained to me that she had cancer; it had started in her breast, spread to her lungs, hips, bones, and lymph nodes. There was nothing else she could do or the doctors could do except to try and control her pain level. She has three daughters and 9 grandchildren. She doesn't know if this will be her last Mother's Day. Things like this have just really gotten to me lately... Don't take life for granted...no matter how early or late. I feel like most of the time, we procrastinate and assume we have all of the time in the world to get things done and to tell the people that are there for us, regardless of what we do, how much they do mean to us. I know for the kids that have lost their mom, they would give anything to tell their mom one more how much they loved them. And for the mom's that have lost their babies (whether in a miscarriage or after delivery) what they would give to be able to hold that baby one time.... Life is just too short to wait around and get to it later.

They Say Love is Blind

They say love is blind and you made this true.I never got to place you in a outfit either pink or blue.Never rocked you in my arms as you quietly slept.Not one tear did i get to dry as you sadly wept.

I loved you none the less with all of my heart.My world crashing down when we were torn apart.I dream of you wrapped in a blanket of a white angel wing.The lullaby you hear is the comfort I wanted to bring.

I still hold you everyday the only way i know how.God doesn't take my love for you this much he does allow.It is as stong as it would have been if I would have seen you.After my journey in life is done I will carry my love through.

It will carry me straight to you, you will never be hard to find.We will be together and I will hold the love that was blind.Looking into eyes that are mine that show a soul I made.I will place you upon my chest where you always should have laid.

They say love is blind and you made this come true.I will place you in an outfit either pink or blue.I will rock you in my arms as you quietly sleep.I will dry your tears as you happily weep.

"before i held you in my arms, i held you in my heart. that is where you began and where you will always be." (unknown)

Laughter ;)

I needed a good laugh today for several reasons...And decided to go back to two of mine and the boys' favorites youtube videos...Enjoy!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-2rGhuoWbws

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk&NR=1

In Retrospect

So often, it takes some huge event, a catastrophe, or something coming to an end to make us look back and see what we have come through. For me, that was graduating from the PTA program and college yesterday. The last year and a half has been one of the craziest. It started by moving to Nashville, TN-starting a brand new school, church, friends, and way of life. And when I say way of life, I mean one that consisted of only studying. "Going out" only happened by some crazy chance that we didn't need all 72 hours of the weekend for studying for the next Monday and typically only happened after several hours of studying together that night. It quickly became apparent that none of us had any desire to stay out late-classes and studying had worn us out by that point haha.

When starting PTA school we were told our lives would consist of studying and going to class. None of us believed it. We quickly found out how true it was, and how we truly needed to trust and depend on each other if we were going to make it out of this program alive and passing. Physical therapy is just that-physical. And we had to quickly acclimate ourselves in "using" each other as patients-in whatever form that may need to take. We had numerous awkward moments and even more laugh togethers.

We also had a lot of tough stuff we went through this last year that we helped each other get through. Our families and friends had to take the back burner and second place for us. We were each other's life. One of the speeches yesterday summarized what we dealt with this last year well, "Marriages-and the strain that was placed on them, car accidents, breakups, pregnancy, surgery, crying because of a failed test, not understanding passive and active insuffiency, and everything in between." Our program director had the 'significant others' stand and thanked them for giving everyone up this last year and for also taking everyone back now. Even though we aren't the same as when we started over a year ago. We have depended on each other for a lot, and its sad to see that its all ending now.

I am back in Columbia now, and don't even know what to think. Every other time I would come I had a date in my head I could count down to until I could go back up to everyone in Nashville. Not this time. This time, I have to stay for a while. Work is going to start, and keep me busy. I will be FINALLY practicing as a licensed PTA, a healthcare professional. I will have these precious babies to pour my heart into during my mornings. But I just have no idea who is going to fill the huge void of everyone I had to leave this morning.

Throwing Babies Lead to Good Luck?

Pediatric physical therapy. There is rhyme and reason to it. We go to school and suffer long days of class all day, everyday, only to be welcomed by the release of those classes to start studying together until its far too late. There are numerous books and studies done in order to treat our tiny patients the best way we know how.

Some don't see all of that as necessary at all. Those in certain Indian villages believe by throwing a baby off the roof down into a sheet held by village men, will bring good luck/health to these babies. And they also say that no baby has ever been hurt in the 500 years this ritual has taken place. Its up to you haha, but no baby of mine is being tossed off a 50 foot roof into a sheet. I think I will stick to the scientific and more modern medical approach :)

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/05/01/babies.tower/

Increased Pressure...Leads to #2

I think a mistake that many people diagnosed with Chiari often make, is hoping and believing one surgery will fix everything. For some that is true. That is what I thought would be the case with me. I went from having so much pain all the time, to a drastic relief right after surgery, I didn't think it was possible that anything else could go wrong. Ha-I was quite mistaken.

Some things in January ended up causing a rise in intracranial pressure around my brain. One thing I will say-you DON'T want any fluctuation with any of your hormones after surgery haha. It can trigger that swelling. So January-March I could feel it getting worse in my head. Not only that, but because of all the swelling, it was bringing back some of my old symptoms. I was getting tingling/numbness down both of my arms pretty consistently. I went back to Dr. Rosner to see what was wrong, and when he saw me he knew it was getting bad. His words to me were, "You look like you have been beat to death." Doesn't he know exactly how to get to a girl's heart? haha But he also knew by the fact that I had gone to see him at all meant I was hurting really bad. I am an awful person about admitting my symptoms and being honest with how I am physically feeling. My typical answer when anyone would ask, would always be "I am fine," or "its going to be ok." I don't like feeling bad (who the heck does) and definitely don't like telling other people how badly I am feeling. Second thing I will say-with this I have learned you need to be upfront and honest about EXACTLY how you are feeling. Little things truly can make a difference.

But he did a few scans and saw that the pressure was getting worse, wanted me to come back in 2 weeks (after trying 2 new medications during that time) for some more tests. He also explained different options, such as a shunt (he didn't think that would solve my problem), a laminectomy (he didn't want to do this one), and then explained my artery was still pressing into my brainstem. He said we would talk more in two weeks.

I started taking the medications, and felt no relief, just more exhaustion. One had a diuretic in it (so I had to go to the bathroom ALL the time-I felt like one of those bladder control commercials haha), and the other one made me so sleepy all the time. My body decided it had had enough of the pressure, and if I wasn't going to listen to it, it was going to make me. A Thursday night I was out with some surgeons I work with and while walking on the sidewalk my legs gave out. This hadn't happened since before the first surgery, and the feeling comes on unexpected. I am walking and the next thing I know I can't feel my legs and I am on the ground. I didn't tell anyone this happened...The next day I was at work (physical therapy-rehab) and my right arm started having muscle spasms. Next thing I knew-I couldn't move it and it just hung limp by my side.

That night I talked with Dr. Rosner and he told me to double the steroid dose and call in the morning. That afternoon I was being admitted into the ER in Hendersonville. Dr. Rosner put me on bed rest, ordered far too many blood tests, and said I would have more tests and exams the next morning. For three days they did extensive blood work and MRI scans on my brain/cervical spine. He then said he needed to go in and operate. He felt the best chance I had to get better, and especially recover the use of my arm (it was still not working), was to go in and open up my spinal canal so that my spinal cord had more room and the pressure (extra fluid that had built up) could drain out. That Tuesday he performed a C2-C7 laminectomy. I was in the hospital for 7 days for this one and in a whole lot more pain.

It has now been three and a half weeks since surgery and the pain has still not gone away. He said it could be 6 weeks to a couple months of this pain. Not an idea that excites me. My arm use has returned, but I am continuing to have the tingling/numbness and even some pain down my arms. The pressure is not better yet...He will not be able to tell just how successful this one is for a few more weeks. I see him at the end of the month. Oh yea :) One thing he said is that I have to understand this is a lifetime problem. I could be fine forever, or I could only be fine for a little while before I have to have something else done. However, even with that in mind, I would happily do it all over again. Those of you that have Chiari and understand the intense pain, understand why I would do it over even if it was only for a few months of relief. Obviously, we hope it lasts longer than that since the first surgery was $30,000 and the second one was $18,000 and those bills will be coming for a while haha.

But this is a serious problem, and far too few surgeons truly understand what they are doing. You have to find a specialist who will believe you and your symptoms and won't either attempt to medicate you forever, or do the surgery and do a terrible job.

On the road to find a Neurosurgeon and Surgery #1

Let me catch all of you up quickly with my "zipperhead" story. Please know I am totally open to questions, and no question will offend me. I have been connected with people all over the country because of this surgery, and I LOVE talking to people. Ok, the story... Since high school I always had frequent headaches. I figured it was just part of allergies or lack of sleep or some other very reasonable explanation. However, March 2007 while I was out salsa dancing with a friend, my head starting hurting worse than it had before and it hit me fast. I didn't say anything to him that night, but that was just the beginning of this crazy rollercoaster. In the 2 1/2 weeks that followed that pain continued to get worse.

I followed up with my normal doctor in Nashville, TN and she began trying numerous migraine medicines with me. Nothing was helping, and I was miserable and in constant pain. The pain was predominately at the back of my head and was beginning to make its way down my neck. But there was definite pain all over my head. She decided she wanted to send me for an MRI of my brain to rule out a tumor, and said she thought my sinuses could be blocked. I wasn't concerned at all and proceeded to my MRI appointment.

The MRI was one of the most excruciating experiences. I thought my pain was pretty extreme before I got pushed into the "tube" haha, but I was mistaken. The constant tapping and vibrating sent me through the roof. It was the next day that I got the call. The nurse called to reassure me that I did not have an aneurism nor a tumor. However, she said it appeared my "brain had shifted," and I needed to come back immediately for another MRI stat. It was after the second MRI that it showed my cerebellar tonsils were herniated 8mm. (Basically, my brainstem was being pushed down into my spinal canal.) Obviously, this is not something that is positive, so I was sent to a neurosurgeon the next day.

This began the long and frustrating process of finding a surgeon that for starters even understood my diagnosis, and secondly would do anything about it. Chiari malformation is not something that many surgeons are very familiar with, and even those that are tend to shy away from the surgery. The surgery is a newer surgery, and still very controversial. The first surgeon confirmed the diagnosis, but said my symptoms were unrelated and that I was simply suffering from migraines. He proceeded to to refer me to a neurologist. This doctor was just as frustrating and said it was only a migraine and gave me medication.

First, let me explain what my symptoms were at this point. Besides the constant and pretty intense pain in the back of my head and neck, I was getting dizzy and not having very controlled balance. Also, I was getting numbness and tingling down both of my arms. Not typical migraine symptoms. The medicine did nothing to relieve my symptoms, just made me incredibly sick-the first morning I took it before class I spent the whole class running in and out of the room throwing up. He tried several other medications and then I was just done with him. I returned once more to the same surgeon and when he told me he would not do the surgery and he did not think it was related, I told my mom I was not going back and we had to find someone else.

The next one we tried was in SC. He also confirmed the diagnosis but was not a believer in the surgery. So he sent me to a pain managment doctor to get the epidural steroid injections. First of all, I will never again have an epidural in my spine. That was awful. And did it help at all? Nope. I was then done with both of those doctors haha. I was getting to my wits end. I had started the PTA program up in Nashville at the end of May and was making it only by God's grace. Class was everyday 8-4 and I would study a little when I got home, and then take my pain pills so I could sleep at night. I needed answers.

Those answers came through my mom. She was constantly researching my diagnosis on the internet...And she found several different groups. However, she found a few people that had had the surgery and loved their surgeon. AND he was located in Hendersonville, NC- Dr. Michael Rosner. At that point I did not see any reason NOT to at least try him, there was no way possible that he could be any worse than the first three and definitely could not be more frustrating to me. So I called and made an appointment for July 3.

That morning, I was just praying as I drove up that he would tell me ANYTHING different. That he would believe what I told him, and not try to just medicate me. I didn't want to live on pain pills forever, and at that point, that was exactly what it was looking like. Was I in for a surprise. When he came in I expected the typical questions, and him spending about 15 minutes MAX with me. Oh no. He sent me for more MRIs that were done according to his protocol. When I returned, he looked them over and then came in to give me an extensive neurological exam. After asking me tons of questions about my symptoms etc., he took me back to explain the scans with me. He told me that my brainstem was down even further than any of the other surgeons had told me. He also said that with how my symptoms were progressing, (by this point my legs were giving out on me-I would be walking one minute and on the ground because I couldn't feel my legs the next) that surgery looked like the best option and the sooner the better. The longer I would wait for surgery, the more I increased the risk to not be able to clear up all the symptoms and to have permanent damage. That was all I needed to hear. I asked when he could cut me open :)

We filled out all the necessary paperwork that morning, and made the extra appointments and then scheduled the surgery for the end of August. I had a complete peace about this man that was going to be messing with my brain and would have my life in his hands. I knew that he was exactly who the Lord had showed us, and honestly I wasn't worried about the surgery. The week before I went in for the surgery, I admitted to one guy I was nervous about what could happen and talked a little to him about it-after that, I was ready to go. I knew the Lord had control of the situation so whatever happened there was going to be a reason for it. August 28,2007 I went under and Dr. Rosner did the brainstem decompression surgery on me. He removed the cerebellar tonsils and opened up the foramen magnum so that there was more room (he used a bovine pericardial patch haha MOO!). He also found that my C1 vertebra was underneath C2 (not normal) so he had to remove the posterior aspect of C1 to correct the problem.

I woke up from surgery and that day I could tell a difference with my pain. Of course it was killing from him drilling through my skull etc., but it was a different pain. One I was very thankful for. 5 days in the hospital and I was home. Two days after that a friend was coming to pick me to hang out at his house and that whole week I was doing things. It was like I was a new person, and Dr. Rosner knew exactly what he was doing. I was back at school less than 2 weeks after surgery (he wanted me out for six, but I don't stay down too long or well at all haha). It appeared everything was fixed!

So...why am I doing a blog?? Several reasons...Its a great way to connect with other "zipperheads." For those that have not a clue what that is...In a way be glad you don't. But that is a nickname for those of us that have had the Chiari surgery. After surgery the incision and then the scar basically looks like a zipper, and its on your head. You can put the two together. :) And lastly, besides all the health stuff, its a good way to get my thoughts out about other life things or random articles or other tidbits I come across. All of it will be sprinkled heavily with Him that matters most-Jesus Christ. If that offends-either don't read the blog anymore, or what I would rather, is for you TO continue reading and possibly see the reason that some of us are so crazy in love with Him. So...lets start blogging :)